Their name
In conversation, the name of the other person is one of the most important things to remember and use. It is easy to get this wrong, so this section gives you a number of things you can do and methods you can use.
Personal name: The most important thing for them.
A person's name is more than an indicator -- it is an embodying symbol that has a highly personal relationship with the person. You can be the other side of the room, talking, and they will not hear anything, but if you mention their name, they will hear it and become attentive.
It is thus important to find, remember, use and manage the names of the people you meet and especially those who you intend to persuade.
In Rome
Roman citizens had three names. The nomen was their gens or family name, such as Tullius and was the equivalent of a surname. The praenomen was the given name and equivalent of a forename, such as Marcus, and was seldom used on its own. Ordinals were often used, such as Primus or Sextus to indicate birth order. The cognomen was a nickname by which the person was known, such as Cicero. Thus the Roman orator Cicero (106 BC – 43 BC) was the cognomen of Marcus Tullius.
Influencing
All sales people know that a person's name is one of the most powerful tools of influence and they will use it carefully, attaching it to key points and when they want particular attention.
Remembering
It is remarkably easy to forget a person's name, often because you have used that name in so many different contexts that it has become unattached as a concept. The trick in remembering a person's name is to attach it strongly to the person. Some ways of doing this include:
Make an aural connection. Repeat their name out loud several times soon after you have met the person. This also helps build rapport.
Remember the name as a forename-surname combination. It is actually easier to remember John-Wilkinson than John alone, because John-Wilkinson is far more unique.
Use visualization. Imagine the person with their name tattooed on their forehead or otherwise written on them.
Use metaphor and analogy. Imagine someone called John 'sitting on the John'. Imagine Mrs Green as painted green, wearing green clothes.
Finding their name: An important initial task.
When you meet a person or know that you will meet them, and do not know their name, then the first task is to find their name.
Get introduced
The most common way to find a person's name, particularly in 'polite company' is to be introduced by someone else. A formal introduction includes the full name of each person and some biographical detail. In a social situation, this may be something about their family or where they live. In work, it is most often about their job.
Introduce yourself
One way of asking-without-asking is to introduce yourself. Say your name (and perhaps a very brief biographical item) and then pause. They should then reciprocate with the same detail. If they do not, you can encourage them with body language such as raising your eyebrows, tilting your head and leaning forward slightly.
Ask the person
You can also, of course, ask the person directly, although beware of appearing impolite ('Who are you??'). Sometimes a few niceties beforehand helps ('Hello, isn't it nice here -- I don't think I've met you before -- could you tell me your name?').
Asking them, done well, shows an interest in them, which is a good way of starting to build rapport. It also shows you as taking the lead. If they follow, then keep leading!
If you forget, all is not lost. It is quite common to forget a name (they may have forgotten yours!). In many situations it can actually be quite a strong thing to display a vulnerability.
Ask someone else
An easy way is to find their name is to ask another person -- not in front of them, of course. 'Who's that person over there?' is a common surreptitious question.
You can also ask a person off-line, for example asking other people in the office about the new person or calling a target person's secretary. Another trick for finding names is to call the company and ask for the person by title -- with luck you'll get a response something like 'I'll put you through to Mr. Johnson now...'.
Or...
Look it up
If you have time, you might find it written down somewhere. At a conference it may be on the list of attendees. At a meeting it may be on the agenda. And of course, there's the marvelous modern miracle: the internet. Companies often have their officers on the main website. And if you are inside the company, the whole directory (possibly even with photographs) may well be at your fingertips.
Wait for someone else
And of course you can wait for someone else to either ask for their name (which may make you look a bit impolite, so get in first if appropriate) or to use their name in conversation.
Remembering their name: Which is easily forgotten!
It is amazing how quickly you can forget a person's name (and how embarrassing this can be). It is well worth learning a few tricks to help fix it in your mind.
One sales-person's trick is to use their name three times within the first couple of minutes. The first repeat is to repeat it immediately.
Hi, my name is Jim.Jim -- Good to meet you.
Then find excuses to use the name or just use it in questions or elsewhere.
My cousin is called Jim.
Are you one of the Berkshire Mongomerys?
Jim, can I ask you a question about that?
If you can, writing it down is a good method. This is easier in a meeting, where you may legitimately write down the names of the people there. This may often be legitimately done, for example if you are running the meeting.
Writing it down may seem embarrassing, but it can actually also say that you find the other person so important that you must keep their name safe.
You can also get them to write it, for example on an email, request form and so on. They may also give it to you written down on a business card (a good way to get their card is to give them your card).
If you remember the person as Jim then you can easily get confused with other Jims. You may also confusing with sound-a-like names, like Tim or Wim. A way around this is to remember the whole name, including forename and surname. Thus remembering 'Jim Montgomery' is more unique and hence can be more memorable.
Play visual games, for example imagining the person with their name written on their forehead or hung in a sign around their neck or above their head. Then when you see the person, you can see the name as well.
Sometimes visualizing is not enough, and you remember only the shape ('It was a four letter word beginning with J...'). This can be helped by including the sound in the memory. You can support remembering the sound by saying it out loud.
Another way is to build a story or ridiculous image around the name. We remember things that stand out, so make the name and the face stand out together. Imagine the person doing something that plays out their name. Make the name itself do something.
For example, with Jim Montgomery, you could have him dressed as a burglar, jimmying open a window on a house on a mountain ('mount') whilst shouting 'gomery cricket!'.
When you hear their name, ask for clarification on such as the spelling of their name ('Is that Isabel with an 'a' or an 'o'?'). If the name is unusual, you might first say what a nice or interesting name it is and ask about its origin.
Short name: Be careful about contractions.
Whilst people have given, first names, they are often referred to by a shortened version of the name.
It is often polite to ask a person what they like to be called. Even if other people call a person 'Tom', you might demonstrate respect by asking them if you can call them 'Tom' too.
Bottom line: When a person has a name that can be shortened, check which version they prefer.
Anthony: Ant, TonyRichard: Rich, RichieJoseph: JoeElizabeth: Bet, Beth, Betty, Liz, Liza, ElizaAmanda: MandySamantha: Sam
The short name is also called the 'diminutive' and may be used by adults to name a child. In this case, having been called this from early life, the person may adopt and accept the contraction.
Children often rebel, however, and the diminutive form may make them feel they are being treated as a child and, as an adult, prefer their full name.
Sometimes parents use the child's full name only when they are admonishing them ('Alexander, come here at once!'). In this case the person may continue to prefer the shortened name into adulthood.
Sometimes the preferred shortened name is something that the person selects themself, perhaps as an act of asserting control and establishing a separate identity.
Use of the short name can be a sign of intimacy and thus may also be associated only with friends. If a stranger uses the short name they may be considered as being too familiar.
Using their name: To connect with them.
Using a person's name in a conversation is a key trick that most sales people know well.
Acknowledging identity.
Using the person's name acknowledges their identity, massaging their Ego and hence boosting their self-esteem. Just by recognizing that they exist, you have done them a great favor (which of course means they now owe you...).
Use this in particular when you want them to feel good about themselves. You can also link it with a particular item with which you want them to associate themselves, such as the idea of which you are trying to persuade them.
Can you imagine yourself, Jane, wearing this out tonight?
Simon -- you can be saved.
Remember that the person's name is a part of who they are. Using their name is like handling the person, so be careful with it.
Have you ever been somewhere when a person used your name, perhaps in conversation with someone else across the other side of the room? A common reaction is to suddenly pay attention. Are they talking about you? Are they trying to get your attention?
When the other person is talking and you want to say something but are having difficulty in breaking into the conversation, saying their name can be an effective way of 'grabbing the talking stick'.
Susan, that's a good point and I'd like to add something important...
When you are talking to a person and they seem distracted or have otherwise disappeared off into their own head somewhere, dropping their name into a sentence will effectively bring them back to a state of attention.
...and when we get to the city, Joe, I think you should be ready to start...
An interesting additional phenomenon is that you will sometimes also be able to remember a few things that were said just before your name was mentioned. This is useful to remember when you say a person's name.
Many people have formal and informal forms of their name. Thus 'Michael' may well be called 'Mike' or 'Mick'. The use of the different forms of the name will have a very internal effect on them, depending on the associations they have.
Formal usage
Very typically, parents and (even more often) teachers use the formal format of a name. People thus will have an association of obedience with the formal style. The implication of this, of course, is that if you want to be obeyed, try using the formal style.
Formality may also dictate use of surnames and honorifics. Thus 'Mr. Jones' or 'Your worship' may be appropriate in various circumstances. Know which is which and be careful before becoming informal.
If in doubt, the formal style is also more respectful. This may well allow you to use it without worrying about reaction.
It may well be worth being careful, however, as the person may have a rebellious response against parents, and the use of the formal style may cause an adverse reaction (so watch the response you get carefully).
Informal usage
The informal style is typically more casual and friendly. Be careful with this, as usage may be seen as too presumptuous. One approach is to ask the person what they prefer to be called, thus gaining permission to use a familiar form (they are unlikely to ask for a formal style unless they really do not like the informal style).
If you can be seen as friendly, then they may frame you as a friend, which then gives you leeway to ask for favors without having done something for them first.
Beware of overdoing it
Be careful when using their name. If you use it too much, then you may well appear to be attempting to manipulate them, which is likely to have the reverse effect to that desired.
Now, Steve, I want you to think about how you, Steve, could benefit from this. Steve, do you think it would work? If anyone could succeed, Steve, it will be you.
Watch them carefully when you use their name: Does it relax them? Do they smile? Or do they look a little irritated or tense. If it is the latter, lay off the name-calling at least for a while.
continuation: conversation techniques- reflecting
from: conversation techniques
No comments:
Post a Comment