ALREADY :
Already is used to say that something has happened earlier than expected or earlier than it might have happened.
"Hurry up Susan. Breakfast is ready!"
"I've already had breakfast thanks. I woke up early."
STILL :
Still is used to refer to continuing situations. "They've been married for 40 years and they still love each other."
ALWAYS :
Always refers to something which happens regularly. "I always send cards at Christmas."
YET :
Yet is used :
- to ask if something expected has happened : "Has the postman arrived yet?"
- to say that something expected hasn't happened : "The postman hasn't arrived yet."
from: Learn English Today
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
CONVERSATION TECHNIQUES- Closing the Conversation
If some people find it difficult to start a conversation and others find problems keeping it going, it can also be difficult to close a conversation so you can either move to another topic or move away to talk with someone else.
Closing down a conversation can also seem like bad manners. To interrupt and walk away from somebody might make you wonder if they will think badly of you for this terrible social act. In practice, if you do it well, you will only leave them with a warm glow.
Be negative: Be generally negative and poor company.
Body pointing: Pointing your body away from the other person.
Caught short: Say you need to go to the toilet.
Closed questions: Create short answers.
Declare completion: Say that the conversation is ended.
Excuse yourself: Just excuse yourself and leave.
Feign ignorance: Be unable to answer their questions.
Introduce a friend: So you can excuse yourself.
Out of time: Have another appointment.
Phone calls: Use the phone to call you away.
Procrastinating: Putting discussion off to another time.
Short answers: That give no reason to extend.
Slow down: De-accelerate to a standstill.
Spot a friend: Wave to a friend and go to see them.
Summarize: Describe the essence of what has been said.
You can also ease the closing of a conversation by only joining groups of people, rather than going up to individuals standing alone. This makes it easier to excuse yourself and move on.
When others try to close
A useful additional note is to watch for these methods being used by other people. When they are trying to close the conversation you can gain social credit by noticing this and gracefully letting them go.
I can see you need to leave. Go on -- I'm just fine.
If it is important for you to continue the conversation (for example if you are selling something), then other people trying to close down can be used in two ways. First, it is a signal to you that you are probably not getting through to them, and you should the perhaps change your tactics. You can also use the fact they they want to leave as a lever, letting them go only when you get what you want from them. Their desperation may well let you get what you want with a simple request. Children use this when they know their parents are worn down and trying to get some peace.
Can I go to see Janak tonight, please.
from: Closing a conversation
Closing down a conversation can also seem like bad manners. To interrupt and walk away from somebody might make you wonder if they will think badly of you for this terrible social act. In practice, if you do it well, you will only leave them with a warm glow.
Be negative: Be generally negative and poor company.
Body pointing: Pointing your body away from the other person.
Caught short: Say you need to go to the toilet.
Closed questions: Create short answers.
Declare completion: Say that the conversation is ended.
Excuse yourself: Just excuse yourself and leave.
Feign ignorance: Be unable to answer their questions.
Introduce a friend: So you can excuse yourself.
Out of time: Have another appointment.
Phone calls: Use the phone to call you away.
Procrastinating: Putting discussion off to another time.
Short answers: That give no reason to extend.
Slow down: De-accelerate to a standstill.
Spot a friend: Wave to a friend and go to see them.
Summarize: Describe the essence of what has been said.
You can also ease the closing of a conversation by only joining groups of people, rather than going up to individuals standing alone. This makes it easier to excuse yourself and move on.
When others try to close
A useful additional note is to watch for these methods being used by other people. When they are trying to close the conversation you can gain social credit by noticing this and gracefully letting them go.
I can see you need to leave. Go on -- I'm just fine.
If it is important for you to continue the conversation (for example if you are selling something), then other people trying to close down can be used in two ways. First, it is a signal to you that you are probably not getting through to them, and you should the perhaps change your tactics. You can also use the fact they they want to leave as a lever, letting them go only when you get what you want from them. Their desperation may well let you get what you want with a simple request. Children use this when they know their parents are worn down and trying to get some peace.
Can I go to see Janak tonight, please.
from: Closing a conversation
Saturday, July 26, 2008
CONVERSATION TECHNIQUES- Sustaining a Conversation
It is one thing to opening a conversation, and it is another to keep it going. Here are a number of suggestions for ways to keep things interesting and lively such that the other person does not want to leave!
Specific techniques
Here are some specific techniques that you can use to keep the conversation going.
Ask their opinion: On any topic.
Description
Ask for their thoughts about some topic or another.
Ask them what should be done about some situation in work, home, locally or nationally. Ask what you think will happen next.
Ask what particular people should do. Ask 'if you were they, what would you do'. Ask 'What should I do'.
Ask for a recommendation about houses, cars, restaurants, gadgets, books, plumbers, etc.
Ask about people and what they know or think about them.
If you want to be daring, ask them about something controversial or that has some social taboo about it, such as teenage sex or inter-racial conflict.
And once you have asked them, listen carefully to their advice, taking it seriously. You don't have to follow what they suggest, of course, but it's a good idea that you show you have listened and considered their suggestion.
Example
If you were the President, what would you do about education?
We're going out tonight -- what restaurant would you recommend?
How has Miguel been performing? Do you think he is ready for promotion?
Discussion
Asking their opinion casts them as an expert, which is rather flattering. It says 'you know something that I don't' and so pushes them up the social ladder a bit, offering them status.
Concern for the person: Empathy always works.
Description
Show a personal concern for the well-being of other person. Ask after their career, health, happiness and so on.
Get them to open up and just listen.
Accept what they say without criticism.
Offer them ideas for how they can improve their lives (but only if you feel they are ready to hear these thoughts). Ask them what they think about your advice.
Example
Hello, Jane. I was worried about you last week. Were you ill?
Perhaps you should take a few days off to think things over. What do you think?
Discussion
When people are troubled by health or other fundamental matters, then, as per Maslow's hierarchy, they tend to retreat inwards and away from more social conversation. This can limit conversation with them.
When you show concern for the other person you build trust and draw them closer. When they trust you enough, they will expose something of their hidden self.
Interest in the person: Ask about their lives.
Description
Even better than enthusiasm for the subject is interest in the person. It affirms their identity, increases their sense of belonging and plays to their need for esteem.
Be interested in their past. Admire what they have done. Compliment them on their looks. Use open body language or lean towards them and use romantic body language.
A simple way of showing interest in the person is just by using their name.
After initial interest, pause to determine what effect you are having and if they are not looking happy with your interest in them, then back off (itself a technique that may lead to them then following you).
Look for points of connection from what they say. Show that you are similar to them.
Example
So what did you get up to at the weekend, Sam?
Where are you from? ... Oh, my cousin lives there...
Which train do you catch? What do you think of the service?
Discussion
I am the most interesting person I know, and when others seem to agree with this, I will happily go on about myself and my opinions as long as I have an attentive audience. Showing interest in other people can thus be an easy way of extending the conversation.
This also gives you lots of information about them that can be useful. Showing similarity, for example, increases bonding.
A caveat: Too much interest in a person may be taken as an undesirable advance or even leading toward harassment. Be careful that your questions are not considered intrusive.
Linking: Connect what is said to other things.
Description
Link what is being said to other things, for example:
Link current discussion to what the person said previously.
Link to things you know they are interested in.
Link what they say to your goals.
Link their interests to things you are working on.
Link to current events in the news.
Use the link to boost interest and draw the other person in closer.
Example
You mentioned diamonds before -- I've got a friend in the business who can get discounts -- would you like me to put you in touch with her?
You seem to be ahead of the times -- we are just doing early work on this.
There was a news item last night about racing -- you know a lot about this, don't you?
Discussion
Information does not stand alone and naturally connects into wide networks of associated ideas (hence the web and hyperlinks!). Adding links adds new new possibilities.
When you connect a person into another item or field, you give scope for much new thinking and understanding, much in the manner of metaphor.
Linking in what the other person has said in the past boosts their sense of identity and hence is very good for building rapport as it shows that you have remembered what they say and are interested in them. When you show interest in them, they will be affected by the exchange principle and so be motivated to show more interest in you.
Plans for the future: Talk about what will or might happen.
Description
Talk about what may happen in the future.
Ask them about:
What they want to do with their career.
Issues they have and what they are going to do about them.
What they are going to do at the weekend.
Where they are going on holiday next.
Talk also about your plans, but be careful not to hog the limelight. Try to listen more than you speak.
Example
I remember you said you really enjoyed skiing last year. Are you going again this year?
I'm really looking forward to this weekend -- we're going walking in the mountains.
Now that you've been promoted, what are you going to do with the department?
Discussion
Talking about the future can be particularly exciting as here you can daydream and hope for great things, no matter what has befallen you in the past.
When you talk about your plans, you also encourage the other person to think about the future. Talking a little bit about your plans also offers easy questions for them to ask to fill in the detail. Of course you can also ask the same questions in return.
Progressive disclosure: Tell a bit about yourself at a time.
Description
Tell the other person about yourself -- but only a bit at a time.
Start with relatively simple facts (name, work, etc.) and steadily move towards more personal information (religion, political affiliation, etc.) and emotional content (personal problems, likes/hates, etc.).
Only give them information that you think they can handle. D not overload them or 'dump' your emotional problems on them when they are not ready or willing to listen to such issues.
Do this in a reciprocal manner, only giving more detail when the other person has given you detail about themselves. If they stop at a certain point, then you stop too.
Example
...Hi, my name's Jan. ... ...I've been here for five years. When did you start? ... ...I don't like on the food there ... ...I'm having an operation next week ...
Discussion
I am the most interesting person I know and I'd love to talk a lot of the time about myself, but things are not always that simple.
If you tell other people too much about yourself then they may well feel uncomfortable as the reciprocity norm sets a social obligation that they should return equivalent information. If they do not want to give you such details (for example if this is a part of their hidden self) then they may well displace their guilt. into anger at you for putting them into this difficult position.
Information is power and disclosure thus may well give advantage to the other person, particularly in a situation of competitive negotiation. Controlling what you say about yourself lets you manage personal information that could later be used against you.
The progressive disclosure strategy thus allows you to carefully progress up to (and hence discover) their level of comfort about self-disclosure.
Tell stories: Use the power of the storyteller.
Description
Tell a story of some sort. It can be a personal story, a story from a friend or something from elsewhere, such as from television or magazines.
The key with stories is in the storytelling. Bring it to life for your audience. Put yourself into the story and bring them with you. Take on the emotions of the story: if it is an exciting bit, be excited, if it is sad, look sad, and so on (but beware of overdoing it!).
Start the story well. Create a hook that draws the other person in and then keep feeding them interest to sustain their interest and enjoyment. End well too, with a punchline and closure of the key story tensions.
You can elaborate on the story to make it more interesting, but do be truthful when appropriate and always maintain your integrity.
Make the story relevant to the other person. Show how what happened to you is connected to them and their experiences.
Do swap stories, but beware of annoying the other person by playing one-upmanship, telling stories that show you to be superior and hence downplay the other person.
Example
You know that reminds me of the time I was arrested and imprisoned. It all started the night I was mugged and left dazed on the streets of New York...
My brother tried that too and, well, it was so funny, he thought he could ... ... and then she pushed him back in the pool, turned around and walked away without a word!
I heard a very sad story on the news last night about a couple who...
Discussion
Stories can be used to empathize, explain, entertain and teach other people in a way that is interesting and engaging. We live our lives as a story and may think of it this way. Stories are thus easy to interpret and from which meaning can be easily created -- often far more so than some abstract description.
Stories can be told as extended metaphors, using the content of the story as an allegory or representation of some other topic that is difficult to discuss, such as a romantic break-up or inappropriate behavior.
Stories also may take more or less time, depending on what you want to do. If you have a lot of time to kill, you can extend the story, whilst if you want to make a simple point, you can tell the bones of the story in a very short period.
Topical events: Talk about news and recent events.
Description
Talk about something topical.
Discuss recent news. Offer an opinion on what has happened in the world, the country or your town or city recently.
Talk about something that has been announced and is going to happen. Speculate about what that might be.
Ask the other person if they have heard the story in question (if not, tell it to them).
Talk about something that has happened to you recently. Tell it as a story.
Ask the other person what has happened to them of late. Probe the story they tell.
Example
Did you hear about the fire down town? It was right over the road from the fire station, but apparently they still took five minutes to get there...
I just heard that CEO is coming to the office next week. Last time he came he fired five people. Do you know why he would want to visit us?
My daughter passed all her exams -- I'm so relieved. She was really not working well last year...
Discussion
Recent news is often of particular interest to other people, for example because it has some personal impact or because the general subject area is of interest.
When people have heard about the same thing, this gives them something in common, and hence allows similarity to be used to develop trust.
When people have heard or seen different versions of the same story, this gives something to discuss further, perhaps exploring the differences between the stories.
Controversial subjects (such as sex, politics, religion or war) also give the potential for discussion of opinion--or even heated debate.
Topic list: Build yourself a bag of interesting topics.
Description
Develop your own list of things to talk about with other people.
Keep a notepad with you and listen to other people's conversations. Make notes about good topics of conversation. Make particular notes about the opening words.
Carry the list with you and take a secret peek at it when you feel you may be drying up or the conversation needs an extra boost.
Example
Christmas dinnerWhat would you like for ChristmasI was arrested last week (when I saw you from across the room)The coffee here is awful - have you tried Carluck's?The British monarchyCar racingDo you speak any foreign languages...
Discussion
These pages only give you a few ideas -- there are so many other things that you can talk about.
We often run out of things to say not because there is nothing to say but because we are paralyzed by the social situation and are perhaps afraid of saying the wrong thing.
In practice, how you say it is much more important than what you say. Note how some people seem to get away with quite controversial comments -- and how they do so with a pleasant tone and perhaps a wicked but friendly smile.
Notes and tips
Here are a few additional thoughts to keep in mind when you are sustaining a conversation.
Accepting criticism: Don't let it become an argument.
Description
When others criticize you in some way, show that you are taking them seriously.
Do not react badly to the criticism. Use this interaction to show that you are interested in them and their opinions. Show you can take it on the chin.
Listen intently. Ask for elaboration. Ask them for more criticism. Ask them to help you improve. Show you value their inputs.
Only respond more robustly if you are sure that the other person is attacking you (which often is not the case). In this case respond assertively, not aggressively.
Example
Hmm. I guess that wasn't too clear, was it. Thanks for pointing it out.
You're right Mike. I do tend to slur my words when I'm excited. I'll try be more careful. Could I ask you to let me know if I do it again?
Discussion
When we are criticized by others, it often feels like an attack on our selves, threatening our sense of identity and challenging our control. This can trigger a fight-or-flight reaction, where we either attack back or retreat in some way.
When you accept criticism and particularly when you ask them to help you improve, you are putting them into the position of a parent or close friend who you trust with your vulnerabilities. This encourages them to reciprocate and thus increase bonding.
If they are criticising aggressively their main goal may be just to rile you. But when you are not wound up by what they say and ask for more information, they will be unsure, thus giving you an advantage you would not get if you fought back normally.
Asking for elaboration will thus help distinguish those whose criticism is genuine (they will happily give you more information) and those who are using it as an attack (they will retreat or get angry). When you know their intent, you can then respond appropriately.
If you can accept and act on the constructive criticism of others you will very likely improve in all sorts of ways.
Balanced conversation: Give and take in good measure.
A balanced conversation is between two people who share the time and topics in roughly equal parts, enjoying the interplay with the other person.
This is the realm of the true conversationalist.
Take your turn
A good conversation is a balanced act of turn taking. This means that you should take your turn to speak as a natural right and also respect the other person's right to speak and be heard.
Limited content
Make your point within your turn, but do not over-do it. Rather than trying to say too much at once, constrain each turn that you have to a single topic or otherwise something that does not confuse or drown the other person in your words.
Limited duration
Do not hog the conversation. Say what you have to say then pass the baton back. People can only absorb so much at once and if you talk too much, they will remember less and less. If you say less, they will remember more.
Watch the other person when you are talking (people often do not do this as they drift off into their private world). Notice if they are really listening. If they are not, then wonder: why am I talking?
Offer back the baton
When you have had your say and made your point, offer them back the baton. Pause, to see if they are pick it up. If they do not, try asking them what they think or another question.
Listen and respond
When they are talking, if you listen you can respond.
Hear what they are saying
If you listen carefully, you can not only hear the words but also the real meaning that they are trying to convey (and maybe even something of who they are).
If you are not sure about something, ask for more information or test your understanding. This is usually appreciated as it shows interest in the other person.
Find the optimal point of interjection
When you feel you have received enough information and want to respond, look for a suitable point at which you can interject.
You can also signal your desire to speak, for example by leaning forwards or pursing your lips as if you are about to speak. Raising eyebrows also helps, as does moving your hands as if you are about to use them in support of speech.
Respond to their point
If they have made a point, rather than dive off into what you want to say, respond to what they have said, supporting or challenging it as appropriate.
At some time you may want to initiate a new topic. Do not break into this when the other person is in the middle of something important to them. Carefully close the current conversation before starting up a new subject for discussion.
Enthusiasm for the subject: Infect them with your passion.
Description
Show that you are interested in what they are talking about. If they are interested in sailing, express a passion for the sea. If they like horses, talk about going to the races. Use probing questions to find out more.
You can also be enthusiastic about something in which you are interested. Be animated. Tell interesting stories. Talk about the subject with passion.
Example
Oh wow! I didn't realize that was how it worked. Please do tell me more.
Discussion
Emotions are contagious, and few more so than enthusiasm. When people see how switched on you are by a subject, they will want to share in the positive emotions and join you in your interest. (Note that the reverse is true, and negative emotions will drag the other person down).
Enthusiasm is
A caveat here: It is very easy to get yourself into deep water if you pretend to know about a subject where they have significant expertise. If you start talking about football with great enthusiasm you may find them enthusiastically asking you questions about specific moves in last week's game.
Also remember that the most powerful way of keeping a conversation going is simply to ask
questions that the other person is interested in answering, and then doing a great deal of
listening.
continuation: conversation techniques- closing
from: Sustaining the conversation
Specific techniques
Here are some specific techniques that you can use to keep the conversation going.
Ask their opinion: On any topic.
Description
Ask for their thoughts about some topic or another.
Ask them what should be done about some situation in work, home, locally or nationally. Ask what you think will happen next.
Ask what particular people should do. Ask 'if you were they, what would you do'. Ask 'What should I do'.
Ask for a recommendation about houses, cars, restaurants, gadgets, books, plumbers, etc.
Ask about people and what they know or think about them.
If you want to be daring, ask them about something controversial or that has some social taboo about it, such as teenage sex or inter-racial conflict.
And once you have asked them, listen carefully to their advice, taking it seriously. You don't have to follow what they suggest, of course, but it's a good idea that you show you have listened and considered their suggestion.
Example
If you were the President, what would you do about education?
We're going out tonight -- what restaurant would you recommend?
How has Miguel been performing? Do you think he is ready for promotion?
Discussion
Asking their opinion casts them as an expert, which is rather flattering. It says 'you know something that I don't' and so pushes them up the social ladder a bit, offering them status.
Concern for the person: Empathy always works.
Description
Show a personal concern for the well-being of other person. Ask after their career, health, happiness and so on.
Get them to open up and just listen.
Accept what they say without criticism.
Offer them ideas for how they can improve their lives (but only if you feel they are ready to hear these thoughts). Ask them what they think about your advice.
Example
Hello, Jane. I was worried about you last week. Were you ill?
Perhaps you should take a few days off to think things over. What do you think?
Discussion
When people are troubled by health or other fundamental matters, then, as per Maslow's hierarchy, they tend to retreat inwards and away from more social conversation. This can limit conversation with them.
When you show concern for the other person you build trust and draw them closer. When they trust you enough, they will expose something of their hidden self.
Interest in the person: Ask about their lives.
Description
Even better than enthusiasm for the subject is interest in the person. It affirms their identity, increases their sense of belonging and plays to their need for esteem.
Be interested in their past. Admire what they have done. Compliment them on their looks. Use open body language or lean towards them and use romantic body language.
A simple way of showing interest in the person is just by using their name.
After initial interest, pause to determine what effect you are having and if they are not looking happy with your interest in them, then back off (itself a technique that may lead to them then following you).
Look for points of connection from what they say. Show that you are similar to them.
Example
So what did you get up to at the weekend, Sam?
Where are you from? ... Oh, my cousin lives there...
Which train do you catch? What do you think of the service?
Discussion
I am the most interesting person I know, and when others seem to agree with this, I will happily go on about myself and my opinions as long as I have an attentive audience. Showing interest in other people can thus be an easy way of extending the conversation.
This also gives you lots of information about them that can be useful. Showing similarity, for example, increases bonding.
A caveat: Too much interest in a person may be taken as an undesirable advance or even leading toward harassment. Be careful that your questions are not considered intrusive.
Linking: Connect what is said to other things.
Description
Link what is being said to other things, for example:
Link current discussion to what the person said previously.
Link to things you know they are interested in.
Link what they say to your goals.
Link their interests to things you are working on.
Link to current events in the news.
Use the link to boost interest and draw the other person in closer.
Example
You mentioned diamonds before -- I've got a friend in the business who can get discounts -- would you like me to put you in touch with her?
You seem to be ahead of the times -- we are just doing early work on this.
There was a news item last night about racing -- you know a lot about this, don't you?
Discussion
Information does not stand alone and naturally connects into wide networks of associated ideas (hence the web and hyperlinks!). Adding links adds new new possibilities.
When you connect a person into another item or field, you give scope for much new thinking and understanding, much in the manner of metaphor.
Linking in what the other person has said in the past boosts their sense of identity and hence is very good for building rapport as it shows that you have remembered what they say and are interested in them. When you show interest in them, they will be affected by the exchange principle and so be motivated to show more interest in you.
Plans for the future: Talk about what will or might happen.
Description
Talk about what may happen in the future.
Ask them about:
What they want to do with their career.
Issues they have and what they are going to do about them.
What they are going to do at the weekend.
Where they are going on holiday next.
Talk also about your plans, but be careful not to hog the limelight. Try to listen more than you speak.
Example
I remember you said you really enjoyed skiing last year. Are you going again this year?
I'm really looking forward to this weekend -- we're going walking in the mountains.
Now that you've been promoted, what are you going to do with the department?
Discussion
Talking about the future can be particularly exciting as here you can daydream and hope for great things, no matter what has befallen you in the past.
When you talk about your plans, you also encourage the other person to think about the future. Talking a little bit about your plans also offers easy questions for them to ask to fill in the detail. Of course you can also ask the same questions in return.
Progressive disclosure: Tell a bit about yourself at a time.
Description
Tell the other person about yourself -- but only a bit at a time.
Start with relatively simple facts (name, work, etc.) and steadily move towards more personal information (religion, political affiliation, etc.) and emotional content (personal problems, likes/hates, etc.).
Only give them information that you think they can handle. D not overload them or 'dump' your emotional problems on them when they are not ready or willing to listen to such issues.
Do this in a reciprocal manner, only giving more detail when the other person has given you detail about themselves. If they stop at a certain point, then you stop too.
Example
...Hi, my name's Jan. ... ...I've been here for five years. When did you start? ... ...I don't like on the food there ... ...I'm having an operation next week ...
Discussion
I am the most interesting person I know and I'd love to talk a lot of the time about myself, but things are not always that simple.
If you tell other people too much about yourself then they may well feel uncomfortable as the reciprocity norm sets a social obligation that they should return equivalent information. If they do not want to give you such details (for example if this is a part of their hidden self) then they may well displace their guilt. into anger at you for putting them into this difficult position.
Information is power and disclosure thus may well give advantage to the other person, particularly in a situation of competitive negotiation. Controlling what you say about yourself lets you manage personal information that could later be used against you.
The progressive disclosure strategy thus allows you to carefully progress up to (and hence discover) their level of comfort about self-disclosure.
Tell stories: Use the power of the storyteller.
Description
Tell a story of some sort. It can be a personal story, a story from a friend or something from elsewhere, such as from television or magazines.
The key with stories is in the storytelling. Bring it to life for your audience. Put yourself into the story and bring them with you. Take on the emotions of the story: if it is an exciting bit, be excited, if it is sad, look sad, and so on (but beware of overdoing it!).
Start the story well. Create a hook that draws the other person in and then keep feeding them interest to sustain their interest and enjoyment. End well too, with a punchline and closure of the key story tensions.
You can elaborate on the story to make it more interesting, but do be truthful when appropriate and always maintain your integrity.
Make the story relevant to the other person. Show how what happened to you is connected to them and their experiences.
Do swap stories, but beware of annoying the other person by playing one-upmanship, telling stories that show you to be superior and hence downplay the other person.
Example
You know that reminds me of the time I was arrested and imprisoned. It all started the night I was mugged and left dazed on the streets of New York...
My brother tried that too and, well, it was so funny, he thought he could ... ... and then she pushed him back in the pool, turned around and walked away without a word!
I heard a very sad story on the news last night about a couple who...
Discussion
Stories can be used to empathize, explain, entertain and teach other people in a way that is interesting and engaging. We live our lives as a story and may think of it this way. Stories are thus easy to interpret and from which meaning can be easily created -- often far more so than some abstract description.
Stories can be told as extended metaphors, using the content of the story as an allegory or representation of some other topic that is difficult to discuss, such as a romantic break-up or inappropriate behavior.
Stories also may take more or less time, depending on what you want to do. If you have a lot of time to kill, you can extend the story, whilst if you want to make a simple point, you can tell the bones of the story in a very short period.
Topical events: Talk about news and recent events.
Description
Talk about something topical.
Discuss recent news. Offer an opinion on what has happened in the world, the country or your town or city recently.
Talk about something that has been announced and is going to happen. Speculate about what that might be.
Ask the other person if they have heard the story in question (if not, tell it to them).
Talk about something that has happened to you recently. Tell it as a story.
Ask the other person what has happened to them of late. Probe the story they tell.
Example
Did you hear about the fire down town? It was right over the road from the fire station, but apparently they still took five minutes to get there...
I just heard that CEO is coming to the office next week. Last time he came he fired five people. Do you know why he would want to visit us?
My daughter passed all her exams -- I'm so relieved. She was really not working well last year...
Discussion
Recent news is often of particular interest to other people, for example because it has some personal impact or because the general subject area is of interest.
When people have heard about the same thing, this gives them something in common, and hence allows similarity to be used to develop trust.
When people have heard or seen different versions of the same story, this gives something to discuss further, perhaps exploring the differences between the stories.
Controversial subjects (such as sex, politics, religion or war) also give the potential for discussion of opinion--or even heated debate.
Topic list: Build yourself a bag of interesting topics.
Description
Develop your own list of things to talk about with other people.
Keep a notepad with you and listen to other people's conversations. Make notes about good topics of conversation. Make particular notes about the opening words.
Carry the list with you and take a secret peek at it when you feel you may be drying up or the conversation needs an extra boost.
Example
Christmas dinnerWhat would you like for ChristmasI was arrested last week (when I saw you from across the room)The coffee here is awful - have you tried Carluck's?The British monarchyCar racingDo you speak any foreign languages...
Discussion
These pages only give you a few ideas -- there are so many other things that you can talk about.
We often run out of things to say not because there is nothing to say but because we are paralyzed by the social situation and are perhaps afraid of saying the wrong thing.
In practice, how you say it is much more important than what you say. Note how some people seem to get away with quite controversial comments -- and how they do so with a pleasant tone and perhaps a wicked but friendly smile.
Notes and tips
Here are a few additional thoughts to keep in mind when you are sustaining a conversation.
Accepting criticism: Don't let it become an argument.
Description
When others criticize you in some way, show that you are taking them seriously.
Do not react badly to the criticism. Use this interaction to show that you are interested in them and their opinions. Show you can take it on the chin.
Listen intently. Ask for elaboration. Ask them for more criticism. Ask them to help you improve. Show you value their inputs.
Only respond more robustly if you are sure that the other person is attacking you (which often is not the case). In this case respond assertively, not aggressively.
Example
Hmm. I guess that wasn't too clear, was it. Thanks for pointing it out.
You're right Mike. I do tend to slur my words when I'm excited. I'll try be more careful. Could I ask you to let me know if I do it again?
Discussion
When we are criticized by others, it often feels like an attack on our selves, threatening our sense of identity and challenging our control. This can trigger a fight-or-flight reaction, where we either attack back or retreat in some way.
When you accept criticism and particularly when you ask them to help you improve, you are putting them into the position of a parent or close friend who you trust with your vulnerabilities. This encourages them to reciprocate and thus increase bonding.
If they are criticising aggressively their main goal may be just to rile you. But when you are not wound up by what they say and ask for more information, they will be unsure, thus giving you an advantage you would not get if you fought back normally.
Asking for elaboration will thus help distinguish those whose criticism is genuine (they will happily give you more information) and those who are using it as an attack (they will retreat or get angry). When you know their intent, you can then respond appropriately.
If you can accept and act on the constructive criticism of others you will very likely improve in all sorts of ways.
Balanced conversation: Give and take in good measure.
A balanced conversation is between two people who share the time and topics in roughly equal parts, enjoying the interplay with the other person.
This is the realm of the true conversationalist.
Take your turn
A good conversation is a balanced act of turn taking. This means that you should take your turn to speak as a natural right and also respect the other person's right to speak and be heard.
Limited content
Make your point within your turn, but do not over-do it. Rather than trying to say too much at once, constrain each turn that you have to a single topic or otherwise something that does not confuse or drown the other person in your words.
Limited duration
Do not hog the conversation. Say what you have to say then pass the baton back. People can only absorb so much at once and if you talk too much, they will remember less and less. If you say less, they will remember more.
Watch the other person when you are talking (people often do not do this as they drift off into their private world). Notice if they are really listening. If they are not, then wonder: why am I talking?
Offer back the baton
When you have had your say and made your point, offer them back the baton. Pause, to see if they are pick it up. If they do not, try asking them what they think or another question.
Listen and respond
When they are talking, if you listen you can respond.
Hear what they are saying
If you listen carefully, you can not only hear the words but also the real meaning that they are trying to convey (and maybe even something of who they are).
If you are not sure about something, ask for more information or test your understanding. This is usually appreciated as it shows interest in the other person.
Find the optimal point of interjection
When you feel you have received enough information and want to respond, look for a suitable point at which you can interject.
You can also signal your desire to speak, for example by leaning forwards or pursing your lips as if you are about to speak. Raising eyebrows also helps, as does moving your hands as if you are about to use them in support of speech.
Respond to their point
If they have made a point, rather than dive off into what you want to say, respond to what they have said, supporting or challenging it as appropriate.
At some time you may want to initiate a new topic. Do not break into this when the other person is in the middle of something important to them. Carefully close the current conversation before starting up a new subject for discussion.
Enthusiasm for the subject: Infect them with your passion.
Description
Show that you are interested in what they are talking about. If they are interested in sailing, express a passion for the sea. If they like horses, talk about going to the races. Use probing questions to find out more.
You can also be enthusiastic about something in which you are interested. Be animated. Tell interesting stories. Talk about the subject with passion.
Example
Oh wow! I didn't realize that was how it worked. Please do tell me more.
Discussion
Emotions are contagious, and few more so than enthusiasm. When people see how switched on you are by a subject, they will want to share in the positive emotions and join you in your interest. (Note that the reverse is true, and negative emotions will drag the other person down).
Enthusiasm is
A caveat here: It is very easy to get yourself into deep water if you pretend to know about a subject where they have significant expertise. If you start talking about football with great enthusiasm you may find them enthusiastically asking you questions about specific moves in last week's game.
Also remember that the most powerful way of keeping a conversation going is simply to ask
questions that the other person is interested in answering, and then doing a great deal of
listening.
continuation: conversation techniques- closing
from: Sustaining the conversation
Friday, July 25, 2008
CONVERSATION TECHNIQUES- Interrupting
Interrupting
Interrupting the the other person is one of the key skills of conversation, particularly where you want to change the other person's mind.
There are a number of interruption techniques you can use to 'grab the baton', taking control of the conversation. Here are some of the common methods available:
Agreement Interrupt: Enthusiastically agree.
Verbally and wholeheartedly agree with the person.
Be so enthusiastic that you cannot stop yourself from butting in and agreeing.
Then continue with whatever else you want to day.
You can also use a short interrupt, the shortest of which is 'yes'.
Absolutely right! I couldn't agree more. And did you also know that...
Thank goodness! I was afraid you were going to say something else there.
Great idea. And what we could also include is...
I agree with your suggestion to start afresh and would suggest we begin tomorrow, at 9am.
Agreement with the other person flatters them, boosting their sense of identity. When they see that you are on their side (and hence are not a threat) and are agreeing with them, they will more easily stop to accept their praise.
Note the difference between 'yes, but' and 'yes, and'. 'But' means 'everything that went before is wrong' and may result in them fighting the interrupt. 'Yes, and' appears to add to what they are saying and hence is more likely to be accepted.
Body Language Interrupt: Non-verbal signal intent to butt in.
Signal using your body language that you want to speak. Use face, head, hands, feet and your whole body.
This is best done naturally. Think about wanting to interrupt and let your body signal for you.
Leaning forwards or inclining the head
Being agitated, minor twitches
Opening mouth slightly
Holding hands forward, perhaps as if they are about to grasp something
Raising eyebrows
Holding up your hand, palm outwards in a 'stop' signal
Showing a fist or other aggressive signal
If the other person is using deep listening, then they will easily see your subtle signals. Few people do this, so you may need to be more obvious.
When done most effectively, the other person only notices subconsciously and may pause, leaving you the space to pick up the baton.
Clarification Interrupt: Ask for clarification. Check you understand.
Interrupt by clarifying what they have said, testing your understanding.
Tell them that you do not quite understand what they are saying and repeat what they have said -- then move to what you want to say.
It is usually better to paraphrase what they have said, rather than exactly mirror them, although using their words is often effective.
After you have clarified, you can pause to let them agree, but beware of them taking control again.
Ah! So you want to open a new store? Is that right? Well I have been thinking about that too, and I was wondering...
Can I just check something? -- it seems like you are saying that we should leave tomorrow. Well, I've been thinking about this and...
Sorry, I don't understand, do you mean that Simon is responsible? Well, to some extent he may be, but...
Expressing confusion effectively says 'I haven't a clue what you are saying, so you might as well stop.'
Clarifying what they say shows respect for the person and interest in what they are saying. This sets up an exchange dynamic whereby they feel obliged to show respect in return by listening to you.
Continuation Interrupt: Pick up where they might leave off.
Continue what the other person is saying, picking up from where they are, as seamlessly as you can.
You can use discourse markers to start what you are saying. You can also start mid-sentence, literally continuing from what the other person says.
...that we can build next week, eh?
So, what we need to do is get Jen to order the system.
Yes, and we could invite Jeffrey too!
Continuation may well be a form of agreement interrupt.
Continuation can be helpful for the other person when they are flagging and running out of words or are struggling with how to put what they are saying into words.
Done well, the continuation interrupt shows that you are highly aligned with the other person can thus help to build trust and agreement.
Disagreement Interrupt: Disagree with what is said.
Interrupt with a disagreement of what they have said. Show that you disagree with them. Point out what is wrong about what they have said.
It often helps to do so with reasonable emotion and force, showing that you are not just disagreeing for the sake of it.
No, no, no! That is completely wrong. You have the wrong end of the stick -- what really happened was...
That could be wrong, you know. If you look at it this way...
Hang on, I don't know who told you that but it is simply not true. What actually happened was...
When you disagree with emotion you are more likely to be allowed to interrupt. We all know that people in an emotional state are less likely to think rationally and that opposition will lead to argument rather than concession.
The strength of disagreement also indicates the extent of how wrong the statement of the other person is.
Note that it is often easier for the other person to accept what you say if you disagree with what is said rather than the person who said it. If I say 'you are wrong' then I effectively say 'everything about you is wrong' and is more likely to result in them fighting back.
Disinterest Interrupt: Appear disinterested in what they say.
Indicate that you are are not interested in what the other person has to say.
You can do this explicitly, saying that you are not interested now in what they are talking about, or you can indicate it, perhaps with a Body Language Interrupt or Distraction Interrupt.
The level of disinterest may range from mild boredom to strongly not wanting to hear what is being said.
Look, I'm not interested in going over all that again. What I really came here to say was...
(Yawn). Sorry, what was that again? You know I'm not with it today -- I spend yesterday working late on...
NO. I'm NOT ready to talk about this now...
You know I haven't the faintest I idea what you are talking about...
We talk to other people because we believe that they have some interest in what we want to say. When they cut us off or otherwise flag disinterest, the wind is somewhat taken out of our sails and we may thus may pause or stop.
In effect, most interrupts are disinterest interrupts, as they say 'I am more interested in you listening to me than me listening to you.'
Distraction Interrupt: Become distracted by something else.
Appear distracted from paying attention to what they say. Look away or find some other way of saying 'I'm not listening'.
Then, when they pause or slow down, you can jump in with what you want to say.
Look at somebody else, perhaps someone new coming into the room.
Look deeply into their eyes, as if you are attracted to them. Smile.
Look at your watch. Yawn.
When we are talking with another person, we generally hope that they are listening to what we are saying. When it is evident that they are not, then we may well pause.
When they seem to have noticed something more interesting, we may also wonder what this is and look there too.
If they look at us in more than a social way, it may well put us off what we were about to say.
Encouragement Interrupt: Keep them talking.
Say something short that will keep them talking. Encouragement interrupts include:
Exclamations that show your interest in what the other person is saying.
Repeating a single word a short phrase that they have said. This may be voiced as a query.
Asking a question.
Using non-words, such as 'uh-huh', 'mmm', etc.
Although it is not an interrupt, you can use body language to encourage, such as nodding, gazing intently and raising eyebrows.
Really! That's amazing.
Mmm. When?
Saturday?
Not all interrupts have to be to take control. of the conversation. Listening is a critical conversational skill and the encouragement interrupt shows your interest in the other person and their opinions and also give you more information.
External Interrupt: Use a third party to interrupt.
If you know that you are going to need an interrupt but are unable to do it in any other way, plan it beforehand such that it looks like you are not doing the interrupting.
You can also do it on the fly by using something that happens around you as distraction and lever for interrupt.
Set your phone to beep you at a certain time.
Send a covert signal to a friend to provide the interrupt on demand.
Somebody new comes into the room so you use this as lever for interruption.
This is particularly useful in situations where it is difficult to interrupt, for example when talking with somebody in authority or who you otherwise do not want to upset (and who might well be upset by the interrupt).
The external interrupt
Identity Interrupt: Prod the identity of the person.
Say their name at the start of the interrupt.
Say 'you'.
You can sometimes also say 'we' with the same effect.
John. Listen. This could be important for you.
You are right. And let me show you why...
We could do that, but you might consider...
We all have a deep need for a sense of identity, and associate our name closely with who we are. Saying a person's name acts almost like a jolt of electricity, grabbing their attention.
'You' works in a similar way and is equivalent to pointing directly at the other person. 'You' means 'not me' and so singles out and separates the other person.
'We' joins their identity to yours. This may be a desirable thing for them if they admire you in some way.
The identity interrupt is a form of Power Interrupt.
Loudmouth Interrupt: Talk more loudly than the other person.
Interrupt by talking more loudly than the other person.
Keep on talking loudly until they stop, then slowly lower your volume to a normal level. Sometimes this will be a very short period, but other times will need more persistence.
If they raise their voice, face the competition by talking quicker and louder still. Be prepared to win a shouting competition if necessary.
I DON'T THINK THIS IS THE RIGHT TIME TO DO THIS. LET'S CONTINUE WITH THE CONVERSATION ELSEWHERE. THEN WE can decide more carefully.
RIGHT! I'm ready to go. Are you?
Loud interruptions are generally impolite, yet are quite common in many conversational situations and is the interruption of choice for surprising number of people.
This is a dominative act that may signal one's power and hence may be used by people who are superiors or who are seeking to gain superiority. Once a person has been shouted down, then the power relationship may well be established and the interrupting person may not need to interrupt so loudly again.
Shouting competitions can sometimes be won by a sudden change in directions, for example by suddenly asking quietly and with a smile, 'Why are we shouting?'
When a person raises their voice for a single word or short period only, they are sending a signal that they are prepared for a battle. This gives the other person space to back down with more dignity than if they were hit with a full-volume assault.
Motormouth Interrupt: Jumpinandtalkquickly.
Interrupt by talking quickly.
Find a small pause, for example when they are taking a breath, and then jump in and do not stop.
Do not give them time to interrupt back. Just keep on talking without pause.
Also be careful not to send any signals that will allow them to pick up on a way back in. Sometimes it is even a good idea not to look directly at them.
Omygoddidyouseethat!Idon'tknowifyouaregoingtogoouttonightbutIreallywanto...
The 'motormouth' interrupt is one of the ruder ways of interrupting, and is common in situations where the participants are particularly excited or aroused in some way. Where the interrupter is enthused, then they may be excused their rudeness in their enthusiasm for the conversation.
Motormouth interruption is thus more socially acceptable in groups where everyone is excited and talking quickly and counter-motormouth interruptions are acceptable.
The other person may seek a way back in, for example using a Body Language Interrupt. If the interrupter is not looking at them, then this will not work.
Question Interrupt: Just ask them a question.
Ask them a question, preferably a closed question.
If they do not answer it or their answer is long, then interrupt, ask them another one or tell them that they have not answered the first question (which you may re-phrase).
When they reply, you can either ask another question or give your views on what they said or just sail off with your own comments on something else.
Did Jennifer tell you to say that?
When did you last see her?
Sorry, you haven't yet told me when you saw Jennifer last -- was it yesterday?
When someone else asks us a question, we almost always feel bound to give them an answer -- to ignore the question would be rude.
Closed questions lead to short answers, which forces them to answer quickly, after which you can take over.
By using the Socratic questioning method, you can steer the to what you want them to think just by asking questions.
Power Interrupt: Use your power to grab control.
Use the power that you have to butt into the conversation. This may include:
Use dominant or power body language.
If you have a position of formal authority just start speaking whenever you want.
Use power words and persuasive language.
Use their name.
Use expert power, asserting superior knowledge.
Use charisma and social position.
If others try to compete, use power to retain control, for example staring them down or just keeping talking as if you have the right.
Remember that you often have more power than you may realize. Just being assertive may be all you need.
That won't work. I've been doing this stuff for years and the way we should be doing it is...
Richard, you clearly have good ideas here. I wonder if I can add some thoughts...
Conversational power often belongs to the person who takes it and the use of power signals to others that you have the right to interrupt at any time you please.
If a person succeeds at using a power interrupt, they increase their power in the social situation. Interruption may thus be used as a power ploy, purely to gain and demonstrate power.
Permission Interrupt: Ask if you can interrupt.
Ask the other person if you can interrupt.
You can also add some flattery into the interrupt if you wish.
Could I just say something here?
That's a good point -- can I add another thought for you?
You've made me think here -- can I comment?
Of course asking if you can interrupt is itself an interrupt, but done as a permission question it becomes more acceptable.
The exchange principle works here. When you ask permission you are showing consideration and politeness, which obliges the other to concede to your request.
Touch Interrupt: Touch them gently as you interrupt.
Physically touch the person as you interrupt them.
Keep the touch light and generally aim for the arm or the back, depending on where you are relative to them.
In more intimate situations, you can touch more firmly, for example with a hug.
Be careful about social rules when doing this -- it is possible to unintentionally offend people in any touch situation.
A manager places a hand on the arm of subordinate and says their name to stop them rambling on in a meeting.
A child grabs their mother's clothes to get attention.
A sales person rests a hand on the shoulder of a customer and greets them.
A physical touch is an intimate action and will often cause the other person to pause as you invade their body space uninvited. However, if the touch is light and related to non-threatening action then it may well be permissible.
There are zones of the body that are permissible to touch in different situations. In most cases this includes the arm and the back.
The touch interrupt can be a form of Power Interrupt when it is used to assert authority or superior position.
'Yes, and' Interrupt: Say 'Yes, and,...'
Say 'Yes, and...', then adding what you want to say.
This may be an addition to what the other person says, building on what they have established.
It may also disagree or take the conversation off in a completely different direction (or resume what you were saying before you were interrupted by them).
Yes, and I want to go out tomorrow.
Yes, and as I was, saying,...
Yes, that would seem right, and when I have
Discussion
This is a form of agreement interrupt, where you appear to be saying to the other person 'I agree with you'. In practice, you may not actually be agreeing, but the initial words send the signal which may well sustain and even propagate agreement.
'Yes, and' is often a very useful alternative to 'Yes, but', and can be used in a completely replaceable way. The only difference in effect is that it is harder for the other person to object to what you say or try to take back control of the conversation.
'Yes, but' Interrupt: Say 'Yes, but...'
Say 'Yes, but', then say what you want to say.
You can use this to completely ignore what was just said and say something completely different.
You can also use it to object to what is said, showing them how they are wrong.
Yes, but have you considered the Russian influence?
Yes, but I want to go out tomorrow.
Yes, I can see how that is a valid viewpoint, but we can also look at it from another angle.
This is a form of agreement interrupt, with a very brief agreement ('yes'). It is actually not an agreement at all, as in effect the 'but' cancels out everything that was said before.
This may well cause the other person to fight back and can be taken as an insult or attempted power-play (which is often is). This effect is exaggerated as the disagreement is separated from the other person's words only by the word 'yes'. If you added some other mollifying words after the 'yes'.
Interrupting can be a tricky subject. Here are some more tips and observations.
When to interrupt: So they let you in and listen.
An important question that you need to know the answer to when you are seeing to interrupt someone else is when to interrupt -- and when to keep quiet and wait.
When they have completed what they have to say
The best point to interrupt happens when the other person has completed what they are saying. In practice, the person who is talking may well make their point and, as they are still holding the talking stick, will continue to elaborate.
When you detect that they have made their key point, then start looking for a point to interrupt.
A common signal that they are running out of things to say so that the person starts to slow down. It is as if they are encouraging you to run alongside so they can pass you the baton.
Another signal you can use to interrupt on is when they pause for a moment. This may be when they are stopping to think what to say next or may be a deliberate offer to you to pick up on the conversation.
Pregnant pauses in conversations can be uncomfortable so many people, if others do not interrupt during a pause, will keep talking, just to avoid the embarrassment of silence.
When they send non-verbal signals
When a person is ready to be interrupted or coming to the end of what they are saying, they may well send non-verbal signals, consciously or unconsciously that they are or will soon be ready to let someone else speak.
For example they may raise an eyebrow, look at you or change from closed to open body language. Important here is to look for clusters and transitions. A cluster is where a whole set of non-verbal signals is sent at one, whilst a transition is where the person moves from one position to another.
When they have had a fair crack of the whip
Sometimes the other person just wants to retain control and will use talking to do so. Sometimes they just like the sound of their own voice. For whatever reason, some people just do not know when to stop speaking and let someone else have a turn.
When you have concluded that they have had a reasonable time in which to talk, it is generally fair for you to butt in more forcefully, using one of the many other interruption techniques.
When not to interrupt: Sometimes it best to listen for a while.
Sometimes you can try to interrupt a person who is talking and end up in a battle (which may only take a second) over who is allowed to talk. Sometimes it is just not a good idea.
Do note, however, that these are all guidelines and not absolutes. Sometime you just have to interrupt!
When you think of something to say
When the other person is saying something, you may suddenly think of something to say, perhaps as a rebuttal to their words or maybe some associated thought you have had.
Typically at this point you stop listening and start looking for a point at which to interrupt. A big problem with this is that if you are not listening to them, you may well miss points where you can interrupt. Also, by the time you do interrupt, the subject may have moved on, leading to confusion.
When you think of something to say, first pause to consider whether it is worth interrupting the other person. Secondly consider the notes below. If you can show respect listening until they are finished, perhaps they will also show respect to you.
The need for completion implies that if we are in the middle of saying something and another person tries to interrupt us, we will have such a strong need to complete what we are saying, we will fight off any interruptions. Even if the interrupter wins, we may still fight back by not listening to them and completing what we were saying as soon as we can.
When the other person is in an emotional or aroused state, they will be particularly keen to have their say. When you detect passion, it can be best to wait for them to blow themselves out.
When they are sending busy signals
It is often not difficult to read the signals that people send that they are not really ready to be interrupted. If you interrupt at this time, again it will likely be an uphill struggle and perhaps you should wait a while.
Busy signals include not looking at you, motormouth rapid talking, dominant body language and power body language.
When you are seeking information
Sometimes you are on a particular mission to discover information that they may have, for example in an interview or research situation. In these cases, you want them to talk as much as possible.
Your interrupts here should be short and use careful questioning. The rest of the time should be spend in close listening. If you are covertly seeking information, too much listening can be suspicious, in which case you might sprinkle in some more normal interrupts to allay any fears.
When the other person has significantly more Power than you, for example if they are a senior manager, then it is generally best to let them finish, both because they will assume that they will be allowed to complete and also because they may use their power against you if you try to interrupt.
When you have concluded that they have had a reasonable time in which to talk, it is generally fair for you to butt in more forcefully, using one of the many other interruption techniques.
Sometimes people who are significantly less powerful than you get to talk. Before you interrupt them, stop to consider that they may not have had much chance and this may be a courageous act for them.
Rather than 'being the boss' (or maybe being the bull) and charging in, pause to give them space. Listen with interest -- the little people can have big ideas too, just like you.
When to let others interrupt: Going the other way.
When you are conversing with other people, a question to keep in mind is when you should let others interrupt you. Here are some key points to keep in mind.
Conversation is a system of taking turns, in which there are social rule that there should be some balance between speaking and listening. Do not over-stay your welcome or you will find that other people will switch off or treat the conversation as a competition in which the goal is to hang onto the talking stick for as long as possible. This is where people start talking at one another, not with one another.
Say what you have to say, then pause to let the other person speak, or perhaps ask them a question.
When you have sent a single message
Sometimes what you have to say contains multiple messages. If you say them all at once, the other person may want to respond to a number of the points you have made. They may well also forget most of what you have said by the time they get to talk. This leads to a poor conversation, where topics are not really discussed.
A good way of talking is to make a single point at a time, then let other people in to respond to your thoughts and add their own thinking to the mix.
When other people want to speak they will send you loud non-verbal signals to this effect, for example staring at you, leaning forward, mouth slightly open, starting to speak and so on.
When you see the other person's body language change, particularly after you have made some significant point, the chances are that they want to speak. At this time, they will very likely not be listening too hard to what you are really saying -- they will more likely be rehearsing what they want to say whilst looking for a point to interrupt.
If you want them to truly listen to what you are saying, it is a very good point to stop at this point and hear their point.
If you really need to finish the point (not just want to), then it can be a good idea to acknowledge that you know they want to speak and ask them whether you can finish -- this will often bring them back listening to you, though you should ensure you complete what you say in a reasonably short period.
If you have made your point or been talking for a while and you have not seen any sign of the other person trying to interrupt then it may mean that that they have stopped listening and are not interested (are they showing real signs of listening?).
It might also mean they are seeking information from you and you may wonder if you have given more details than you really intended.
Often, people are being polite or are a little timid and just do not know properly how to interrupt, and so just wait their turn.
If in doubt, pause or ask them a question to give them a chance to speak.
When not to let them interrupt: Sometimes you need to keep talking.
Sometimes when other people want to interrupt, it is reasonable to let them interrupt. At other times, it is a good idea to hang onto the talking stick. Here are some of those times.
When you have not made your point
When you have not finished what you want to say, then keep going and block them out until you have finished.
If you suspect that they are not listening and just waiting to interrupt, you might want to summarize the point and perhaps ask them a question to test whether they have heard and understood.
When the other person has had a chunk of the conversation time to speak, then it is your turn. You have listened to them, so now it is time for them to listen to you. If necessary, you might want to assertively remind them of this, particularly if they keep on trying to butt in.
Jan, you've made a good point and I want to respond. Can you let me finish, please?
When they have interrupted poorly before
Some people are rather impolite in the way they not only keep interrupting but do so without having anything useful to say. Perhaps they like the sound of their own voices or perhaps it is some kind of game.
If they are persistent with this, a way of handling this, other than to just keep going, is to tell them what they are doing.
Sam, you keep interrupting, but are not adding anything new.
When you need to demonstrate power
Sometimes you might find yourself in a power struggle, for example where the other person is interrupting just to show their power. You may also be in a position where you need to show authority. In such cases, other than normal prevention of interruption, you can use interruptions as an opportunity to demonstrate your power.
Richard, can you please listen? You can ask questions when I have finished.
How to stop people interrupting: Useful when you want to finish.
Sometimes you do not want to be interrupted, perhaps because you have something important to say or perhaps because the other person has kept interrupting you for little good reason beforehand.
Remember also that interruptions may be to seek or give useful information and that they are a normal part of conversation, and not a slight to your character. Be cautious, then, in how often and when you power through the interruptions of others.
When you pause, even to take breath, you are giving other people the opportunity to interrupt. They may be just jumping in or may read it as an invitation to comment -- the result, however, is the same.
Regulate your breathing. When you are talking for a long stretch before taking a big breath, the breath takes longer.
When you are talking, you may be sending non-verbal signals that invite the other person to interrupt. Beyond pauses, these include:
Raising eyebrows
Open body language
Relaxed body language
Submissive body language
Your speech getting slower
Your speech getting quieter
If you can control your body language and speech, then you may offer less invitations. You probably cannot remove all signals, but if you are thinking 'no signals' then this will help too.
When they send signals that they want to interrupt, simply ignore them. Carry on regardless, perhaps even doing such as increasing your speed or volume to signal back that you are not ready to be interrupted.
If you are looking at them, then when they send interruption signals then you cannot claim not to have seen them. You can:
Look up, as if you are envisioning the things you are talking about.
Look at your hands as you carve your ideas out of the air.
Close your eyes as you imagine internal pictures of what you say.
A simple method of preventing interrupt is to talk quickly. When there are no gaps in what you say, then there is no chance of them interrupting.
In particular, when they try to interrupt, speed up your rate of speaking. This signals that you are not ready to finish yet.
Beware with this of becoming incoherent. Someone who talks too quickly may not be heard.
Another way of powering through an interruption is to increase the volume of your speech, getting louder as the other person tries to interrupt. Talking loudly all the time also acts as dissuasion.
As with several other methods, this may be combined to make a more powerful interrupt.
Do send signals of power, indicating to other first that you have the right to talk for longer and also that you will fight back powerfully if they do interrupt.
Use powerful body language
Use power body language in general, for example expanding our body space with large gestures and hands-on-hips, touching others and . You can also use the power interrupt beforehand as a signal.
Use the power stare
The power stare may be used to prevent interrupt. This involves looking intently at people for longer than the normal glance. Rather than look up or away as you speak, look directly into the eyes of people, scanning around each person whilst pausing at each one.
The potential reaction to this may be deflected by cloaking it in enthusiasm for the subject. Its intensiveness, however, clearly signals that you are not willing to give up control of the conversation as yet.
Use the interrupt dare
Talk slowly and deliberately. Pause. Speak at length. Yet only let others speak when you ask them a question or otherwise permit them to talk.
The interrupt dare, which may be combined with the power stare, effectively sending signals that an interrupt may be made, yet simultaneously indicating that an interrupt will be met with a powerful response.
Win the power struggle
If you get into a power struggle, for example where the other person is using a power interrupt or resists your power interrupts, then you will need to exercise your power, for example by using one of the other techniques on this page.
A simple and very powerful method of hanging onto the talking stick is to is ask the other person if you can finish what you are saying.
This can be done in varying levels of politeness, from assertively saying 'can I finish' without pause in the continuous stream of words, to asking the other person nicely and waiting for permission.
...and when we reach -- can I finish -- the end of the year...
-- Sorry, Mike, I won't be long --
-- Jen, you've made your point, now it's my turn --
-- I'm sorry. I do want to hear your viewpoint. Is it ok if I finish the explanation first? -- thanks --
Overlapping speech: We often start before others stop.
When you talk and I interrupt, I seldom wait until you have finished speaking. Conversation thus tends to be set of overlapping sets of speaking as one person starts before the other ends.
There are two primary ways in which the interrupt of the second person happens. One way is the first person finishes their main point, which is spotted by the second person who interrupts as the first person starts elaborating or slowing. The alternative interrupt happens when the second person butts in earlier than might be expected, for example through enthusiasm, ignorance or in a power move.
Women seem to overlap their conversations more, and are better able to hold simultaneous discussions with multiple other people than men. A potential reason for this is in the way that women can often multi-task better than men, who are better at single-focus activities.
In some nations overlapping conversations are quite natural. In other countries, one person stops before the next person starts. In Japan, perhaps the most extreme example of this, the second person must pause to show respect and that they are considering their response carefully. This leads to the dilemma where many Japanese people find themselves unable to interrupt in many Western conversations.
At the other end of the scale, perhaps, Italians seem all to talk at once in their Latin enthusiasm that appears to be impolite and chaotic to people such as Germans and English (and especially the Japanese).
Perhaps there is a gender element here. The Japanese culture is traditionally male-dominated, which would tend to result in one thing at a time, including speaking. On the other hand, Italians are family driven in which the matriarch often holds court and women speak as much or more as men.
Technology and interruption: It grabs you, doesn't it?
The power of the phone
There is a strange phenomenon that happens with technology -- when it calls, we drop everything to answer its demands. It all started with the phone, but now has crept up with email, instant messaging and more.
Particularly pervasive is the mobile technology that many of us now carry around. It all started with pagers, first used by emergency workers, but now many have at least mobile phones, which also carry text messaging services.
Blackberries, PDAs and other combinations devices are also allowing us to access email everywhere. Wireless technology is also creeping in and we can get to email on the move. Even in the heart of developing countries you can find internet cafés where you can check up on your electronic world.
How it works
The power of the phone starts with the insistent ringing that only stops when we answer it. Phones are not polite. They do not cough and say 'excuse me'. They just ring and ring. We know this, and so grab the thing just to stop it giving us a headache.
Phones also offer mystery and intrigue. When it rings, we may well not know who is calling. What if it is good news or a friend? What if it is someone who desperately needs our help? We had better pick up, just in case.
Even if we know who it is from, we do not know what they have to say until we listen or read the message. The need for certainty and control paradoxically then controls us as we seek to find out what it is all about.
Using it in persuasion
Sometimes you want to get to speak with another person but they are always busy -- in meetings, working or otherwise unavailable. The simplest solution can be, even if you are in the same office, to go back to your desk and phone or email the person. If you cannot see that they are busy, then you can be excused for interrupting them.
Avoiding the urge
When technology comes knocking, think first before answering the call. If you are talking with someone and the phone rings, ignore it or turn off your mobile cell phone. This not only keeps you in control, it also a very flattering for the person with you, who can see that you are putting them ahead of a phone call that perhaps they would answer.
continuation: conversation techniques- sustaining
Conversation Techniques- Reflecting
Reflecting
The term 'reflecting' can be interpreted in two ways: sitting back and thinking or bouncing back to the other person what they have communicated to you. This section is about the latter.
When you reflect back to the other person what they have said, it not only makes sure that you have understood, it also shows your interest in the other person and helps to build a relationship with them.
In psychoanalysis, identity is first formed in the mirror phase, where we first see an image of ourselves. This can be the beginning of a life-long process of fascination with our own selves and is at the root of narcissism. Reflecting back to the other person something of themselves is thus a powerful process.
Testing understanding
You can use reflection to test your understanding of what the other person has said. This also will act to build rapport with the other person.
Parroting: Simple repetition.
Paraphrasing: Rephrasing in your own words.
Building
A constructive way of reflecting what a person has said back to them is do add to what they have said in some way. This helps both testing understanding and also building rapport. If you build something between you, you will both feel a sense of ownership of it and hence will be more ready to share more.
Extrapolating: Extend their thinking into the future.
Synergizing: Combine ideas for an even better idea.
Creating rapport
Reflecting what a person says to you back to them also builds rapport, creating a bond between you both. Reflecting can be used primarily for this purpose. It should always be kept in mind in any case, as poor reflection (or no reflection) can have the opposite effect.
Reflecting words: Echo the words they say.
Reflecting verbal style: Use their overall modes of speech.
Non-verbal reflecting
You can also reflect non-verbal 'body language' back to the other person, repeating what they do, rather than what they say.
Mirroring: Direct copying of their actions.
Matching: Indirect copying of actions.
And...
Reflecting does not always work as intended and you need to be vigilant to ensure you do not fall into any of the traps.
Traps in reflecting: Ways it can go wrong.
And here's some other thinking about feedback...
Rogers' five feedback types: Carl Rogers' typology of feedback.
continuation: conversation techniques- interrupting
from: conversation techniques
The term 'reflecting' can be interpreted in two ways: sitting back and thinking or bouncing back to the other person what they have communicated to you. This section is about the latter.
When you reflect back to the other person what they have said, it not only makes sure that you have understood, it also shows your interest in the other person and helps to build a relationship with them.
In psychoanalysis, identity is first formed in the mirror phase, where we first see an image of ourselves. This can be the beginning of a life-long process of fascination with our own selves and is at the root of narcissism. Reflecting back to the other person something of themselves is thus a powerful process.
Testing understanding
You can use reflection to test your understanding of what the other person has said. This also will act to build rapport with the other person.
Parroting: Simple repetition.
Paraphrasing: Rephrasing in your own words.
Building
A constructive way of reflecting what a person has said back to them is do add to what they have said in some way. This helps both testing understanding and also building rapport. If you build something between you, you will both feel a sense of ownership of it and hence will be more ready to share more.
Extrapolating: Extend their thinking into the future.
Synergizing: Combine ideas for an even better idea.
Creating rapport
Reflecting what a person says to you back to them also builds rapport, creating a bond between you both. Reflecting can be used primarily for this purpose. It should always be kept in mind in any case, as poor reflection (or no reflection) can have the opposite effect.
Reflecting words: Echo the words they say.
Reflecting verbal style: Use their overall modes of speech.
Non-verbal reflecting
You can also reflect non-verbal 'body language' back to the other person, repeating what they do, rather than what they say.
Mirroring: Direct copying of their actions.
Matching: Indirect copying of actions.
And...
Reflecting does not always work as intended and you need to be vigilant to ensure you do not fall into any of the traps.
Traps in reflecting: Ways it can go wrong.
And here's some other thinking about feedback...
Rogers' five feedback types: Carl Rogers' typology of feedback.
continuation: conversation techniques- interrupting
from: conversation techniques
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
CONVERSATION TECHNIQUES- Their Name
Their name
In conversation, the name of the other person is one of the most important things to remember and use. It is easy to get this wrong, so this section gives you a number of things you can do and methods you can use.
Personal name: The most important thing for them.
A person's name is more than an indicator -- it is an embodying symbol that has a highly personal relationship with the person. You can be the other side of the room, talking, and they will not hear anything, but if you mention their name, they will hear it and become attentive.
It is thus important to find, remember, use and manage the names of the people you meet and especially those who you intend to persuade.
In Rome
Roman citizens had three names. The nomen was their gens or family name, such as Tullius and was the equivalent of a surname. The praenomen was the given name and equivalent of a forename, such as Marcus, and was seldom used on its own. Ordinals were often used, such as Primus or Sextus to indicate birth order. The cognomen was a nickname by which the person was known, such as Cicero. Thus the Roman orator Cicero (106 BC – 43 BC) was the cognomen of Marcus Tullius.
Influencing
All sales people know that a person's name is one of the most powerful tools of influence and they will use it carefully, attaching it to key points and when they want particular attention.
Remembering
It is remarkably easy to forget a person's name, often because you have used that name in so many different contexts that it has become unattached as a concept. The trick in remembering a person's name is to attach it strongly to the person. Some ways of doing this include:
Make an aural connection. Repeat their name out loud several times soon after you have met the person. This also helps build rapport.
Remember the name as a forename-surname combination. It is actually easier to remember John-Wilkinson than John alone, because John-Wilkinson is far more unique.
Use visualization. Imagine the person with their name tattooed on their forehead or otherwise written on them.
Use metaphor and analogy. Imagine someone called John 'sitting on the John'. Imagine Mrs Green as painted green, wearing green clothes.
Finding their name: An important initial task.
When you meet a person or know that you will meet them, and do not know their name, then the first task is to find their name.
Get introduced
The most common way to find a person's name, particularly in 'polite company' is to be introduced by someone else. A formal introduction includes the full name of each person and some biographical detail. In a social situation, this may be something about their family or where they live. In work, it is most often about their job.
Introduce yourself
One way of asking-without-asking is to introduce yourself. Say your name (and perhaps a very brief biographical item) and then pause. They should then reciprocate with the same detail. If they do not, you can encourage them with body language such as raising your eyebrows, tilting your head and leaning forward slightly.
Ask the person
You can also, of course, ask the person directly, although beware of appearing impolite ('Who are you??'). Sometimes a few niceties beforehand helps ('Hello, isn't it nice here -- I don't think I've met you before -- could you tell me your name?').
Asking them, done well, shows an interest in them, which is a good way of starting to build rapport. It also shows you as taking the lead. If they follow, then keep leading!
If you forget, all is not lost. It is quite common to forget a name (they may have forgotten yours!). In many situations it can actually be quite a strong thing to display a vulnerability.
Ask someone else
An easy way is to find their name is to ask another person -- not in front of them, of course. 'Who's that person over there?' is a common surreptitious question.
You can also ask a person off-line, for example asking other people in the office about the new person or calling a target person's secretary. Another trick for finding names is to call the company and ask for the person by title -- with luck you'll get a response something like 'I'll put you through to Mr. Johnson now...'.
Or...
Look it up
If you have time, you might find it written down somewhere. At a conference it may be on the list of attendees. At a meeting it may be on the agenda. And of course, there's the marvelous modern miracle: the internet. Companies often have their officers on the main website. And if you are inside the company, the whole directory (possibly even with photographs) may well be at your fingertips.
Wait for someone else
And of course you can wait for someone else to either ask for their name (which may make you look a bit impolite, so get in first if appropriate) or to use their name in conversation.
Remembering their name: Which is easily forgotten!
It is amazing how quickly you can forget a person's name (and how embarrassing this can be). It is well worth learning a few tricks to help fix it in your mind.
One sales-person's trick is to use their name three times within the first couple of minutes. The first repeat is to repeat it immediately.
Hi, my name is Jim.Jim -- Good to meet you.
Then find excuses to use the name or just use it in questions or elsewhere.
My cousin is called Jim.
Are you one of the Berkshire Mongomerys?
Jim, can I ask you a question about that?
If you can, writing it down is a good method. This is easier in a meeting, where you may legitimately write down the names of the people there. This may often be legitimately done, for example if you are running the meeting.
Writing it down may seem embarrassing, but it can actually also say that you find the other person so important that you must keep their name safe.
You can also get them to write it, for example on an email, request form and so on. They may also give it to you written down on a business card (a good way to get their card is to give them your card).
If you remember the person as Jim then you can easily get confused with other Jims. You may also confusing with sound-a-like names, like Tim or Wim. A way around this is to remember the whole name, including forename and surname. Thus remembering 'Jim Montgomery' is more unique and hence can be more memorable.
Play visual games, for example imagining the person with their name written on their forehead or hung in a sign around their neck or above their head. Then when you see the person, you can see the name as well.
Sometimes visualizing is not enough, and you remember only the shape ('It was a four letter word beginning with J...'). This can be helped by including the sound in the memory. You can support remembering the sound by saying it out loud.
Another way is to build a story or ridiculous image around the name. We remember things that stand out, so make the name and the face stand out together. Imagine the person doing something that plays out their name. Make the name itself do something.
For example, with Jim Montgomery, you could have him dressed as a burglar, jimmying open a window on a house on a mountain ('mount') whilst shouting 'gomery cricket!'.
When you hear their name, ask for clarification on such as the spelling of their name ('Is that Isabel with an 'a' or an 'o'?'). If the name is unusual, you might first say what a nice or interesting name it is and ask about its origin.
Short name: Be careful about contractions.
Whilst people have given, first names, they are often referred to by a shortened version of the name.
It is often polite to ask a person what they like to be called. Even if other people call a person 'Tom', you might demonstrate respect by asking them if you can call them 'Tom' too.
Bottom line: When a person has a name that can be shortened, check which version they prefer.
Anthony: Ant, TonyRichard: Rich, RichieJoseph: JoeElizabeth: Bet, Beth, Betty, Liz, Liza, ElizaAmanda: MandySamantha: Sam
The short name is also called the 'diminutive' and may be used by adults to name a child. In this case, having been called this from early life, the person may adopt and accept the contraction.
Children often rebel, however, and the diminutive form may make them feel they are being treated as a child and, as an adult, prefer their full name.
Sometimes parents use the child's full name only when they are admonishing them ('Alexander, come here at once!'). In this case the person may continue to prefer the shortened name into adulthood.
Sometimes the preferred shortened name is something that the person selects themself, perhaps as an act of asserting control and establishing a separate identity.
Use of the short name can be a sign of intimacy and thus may also be associated only with friends. If a stranger uses the short name they may be considered as being too familiar.
Using their name: To connect with them.
Using a person's name in a conversation is a key trick that most sales people know well.
Acknowledging identity.
Using the person's name acknowledges their identity, massaging their Ego and hence boosting their self-esteem. Just by recognizing that they exist, you have done them a great favor (which of course means they now owe you...).
Use this in particular when you want them to feel good about themselves. You can also link it with a particular item with which you want them to associate themselves, such as the idea of which you are trying to persuade them.
Can you imagine yourself, Jane, wearing this out tonight?
Simon -- you can be saved.
Remember that the person's name is a part of who they are. Using their name is like handling the person, so be careful with it.
Have you ever been somewhere when a person used your name, perhaps in conversation with someone else across the other side of the room? A common reaction is to suddenly pay attention. Are they talking about you? Are they trying to get your attention?
When the other person is talking and you want to say something but are having difficulty in breaking into the conversation, saying their name can be an effective way of 'grabbing the talking stick'.
Susan, that's a good point and I'd like to add something important...
When you are talking to a person and they seem distracted or have otherwise disappeared off into their own head somewhere, dropping their name into a sentence will effectively bring them back to a state of attention.
...and when we get to the city, Joe, I think you should be ready to start...
An interesting additional phenomenon is that you will sometimes also be able to remember a few things that were said just before your name was mentioned. This is useful to remember when you say a person's name.
Many people have formal and informal forms of their name. Thus 'Michael' may well be called 'Mike' or 'Mick'. The use of the different forms of the name will have a very internal effect on them, depending on the associations they have.
Formal usage
Very typically, parents and (even more often) teachers use the formal format of a name. People thus will have an association of obedience with the formal style. The implication of this, of course, is that if you want to be obeyed, try using the formal style.
Formality may also dictate use of surnames and honorifics. Thus 'Mr. Jones' or 'Your worship' may be appropriate in various circumstances. Know which is which and be careful before becoming informal.
If in doubt, the formal style is also more respectful. This may well allow you to use it without worrying about reaction.
It may well be worth being careful, however, as the person may have a rebellious response against parents, and the use of the formal style may cause an adverse reaction (so watch the response you get carefully).
Informal usage
The informal style is typically more casual and friendly. Be careful with this, as usage may be seen as too presumptuous. One approach is to ask the person what they prefer to be called, thus gaining permission to use a familiar form (they are unlikely to ask for a formal style unless they really do not like the informal style).
If you can be seen as friendly, then they may frame you as a friend, which then gives you leeway to ask for favors without having done something for them first.
Beware of overdoing it
Be careful when using their name. If you use it too much, then you may well appear to be attempting to manipulate them, which is likely to have the reverse effect to that desired.
Now, Steve, I want you to think about how you, Steve, could benefit from this. Steve, do you think it would work? If anyone could succeed, Steve, it will be you.
Watch them carefully when you use their name: Does it relax them? Do they smile? Or do they look a little irritated or tense. If it is the latter, lay off the name-calling at least for a while.
continuation: conversation techniques- reflecting
from: conversation techniques
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