It is one thing to opening a conversation, and it is another to keep it going. Here are a number of suggestions for ways to keep things interesting and lively such that the other person does not want to leave!
Specific techniques
Here are some specific techniques that you can use to keep the conversation going.
Ask their opinion: On any topic.
Description
Ask for their thoughts about some topic or another.
Ask them what should be done about some situation in work, home, locally or nationally. Ask what you think will happen next.
Ask what particular people should do. Ask 'if you were they, what would you do'. Ask 'What should I do'.
Ask for a recommendation about houses, cars, restaurants, gadgets, books, plumbers, etc.
Ask about people and what they know or think about them.
If you want to be daring, ask them about something controversial or that has some social taboo about it, such as teenage sex or inter-racial conflict.
And once you have asked them, listen carefully to their advice, taking it seriously. You don't have to follow what they suggest, of course, but it's a good idea that you show you have listened and considered their suggestion.
Example
If you were the President, what would you do about education?
We're going out tonight -- what restaurant would you recommend?
How has Miguel been performing? Do you think he is ready for promotion?
Discussion
Asking their opinion casts them as an expert, which is rather flattering. It says 'you know something that I don't' and so pushes them up the social ladder a bit, offering them status.
Concern for the person: Empathy always works.
Description
Show a personal concern for the well-being of other person. Ask after their career, health, happiness and so on.
Get them to open up and just listen.
Accept what they say without criticism.
Offer them ideas for how they can improve their lives (but only if you feel they are ready to hear these thoughts). Ask them what they think about your advice.
Example
Hello, Jane. I was worried about you last week. Were you ill?
Perhaps you should take a few days off to think things over. What do you think?
Discussion
When people are troubled by health or other fundamental matters, then, as per Maslow's hierarchy, they tend to retreat inwards and away from more social conversation. This can limit conversation with them.
When you show concern for the other person you build trust and draw them closer. When they trust you enough, they will expose something of their hidden self.
Interest in the person: Ask about their lives.
Description
Even better than enthusiasm for the subject is interest in the person. It affirms their identity, increases their sense of belonging and plays to their need for esteem.
Be interested in their past. Admire what they have done. Compliment them on their looks. Use open body language or lean towards them and use romantic body language.
A simple way of showing interest in the person is just by using their name.
After initial interest, pause to determine what effect you are having and if they are not looking happy with your interest in them, then back off (itself a technique that may lead to them then following you).
Look for points of connection from what they say. Show that you are similar to them.
Example
So what did you get up to at the weekend, Sam?
Where are you from? ... Oh, my cousin lives there...
Which train do you catch? What do you think of the service?
Discussion
I am the most interesting person I know, and when others seem to agree with this, I will happily go on about myself and my opinions as long as I have an attentive audience. Showing interest in other people can thus be an easy way of extending the conversation.
This also gives you lots of information about them that can be useful. Showing similarity, for example, increases bonding.
A caveat: Too much interest in a person may be taken as an undesirable advance or even leading toward harassment. Be careful that your questions are not considered intrusive.
Linking: Connect what is said to other things.
Description
Link what is being said to other things, for example:
Link current discussion to what the person said previously.
Link to things you know they are interested in.
Link what they say to your goals.
Link their interests to things you are working on.
Link to current events in the news.
Use the link to boost interest and draw the other person in closer.
Example
You mentioned diamonds before -- I've got a friend in the business who can get discounts -- would you like me to put you in touch with her?
You seem to be ahead of the times -- we are just doing early work on this.
There was a news item last night about racing -- you know a lot about this, don't you?
Discussion
Information does not stand alone and naturally connects into wide networks of associated ideas (hence the web and hyperlinks!). Adding links adds new new possibilities.
When you connect a person into another item or field, you give scope for much new thinking and understanding, much in the manner of metaphor.
Linking in what the other person has said in the past boosts their sense of identity and hence is very good for building rapport as it shows that you have remembered what they say and are interested in them. When you show interest in them, they will be affected by the exchange principle and so be motivated to show more interest in you.
Plans for the future: Talk about what will or might happen.
Description
Talk about what may happen in the future.
Ask them about:
What they want to do with their career.
Issues they have and what they are going to do about them.
What they are going to do at the weekend.
Where they are going on holiday next.
Talk also about your plans, but be careful not to hog the limelight. Try to listen more than you speak.
Example
I remember you said you really enjoyed skiing last year. Are you going again this year?
I'm really looking forward to this weekend -- we're going walking in the mountains.
Now that you've been promoted, what are you going to do with the department?
Discussion
Talking about the future can be particularly exciting as here you can daydream and hope for great things, no matter what has befallen you in the past.
When you talk about your plans, you also encourage the other person to think about the future. Talking a little bit about your plans also offers easy questions for them to ask to fill in the detail. Of course you can also ask the same questions in return.
Progressive disclosure: Tell a bit about yourself at a time.
Description
Tell the other person about yourself -- but only a bit at a time.
Start with relatively simple facts (name, work, etc.) and steadily move towards more personal information (religion, political affiliation, etc.) and emotional content (personal problems, likes/hates, etc.).
Only give them information that you think they can handle. D not overload them or 'dump' your emotional problems on them when they are not ready or willing to listen to such issues.
Do this in a reciprocal manner, only giving more detail when the other person has given you detail about themselves. If they stop at a certain point, then you stop too.
Example
...Hi, my name's Jan. ... ...I've been here for five years. When did you start? ... ...I don't like on the food there ... ...I'm having an operation next week ...
Discussion
I am the most interesting person I know and I'd love to talk a lot of the time about myself, but things are not always that simple.
If you tell other people too much about yourself then they may well feel uncomfortable as the reciprocity norm sets a social obligation that they should return equivalent information. If they do not want to give you such details (for example if this is a part of their hidden self) then they may well displace their guilt. into anger at you for putting them into this difficult position.
Information is power and disclosure thus may well give advantage to the other person, particularly in a situation of competitive negotiation. Controlling what you say about yourself lets you manage personal information that could later be used against you.
The progressive disclosure strategy thus allows you to carefully progress up to (and hence discover) their level of comfort about self-disclosure.
Tell stories: Use the power of the storyteller.
Description
Tell a story of some sort. It can be a personal story, a story from a friend or something from elsewhere, such as from television or magazines.
The key with stories is in the storytelling. Bring it to life for your audience. Put yourself into the story and bring them with you. Take on the emotions of the story: if it is an exciting bit, be excited, if it is sad, look sad, and so on (but beware of overdoing it!).
Start the story well. Create a hook that draws the other person in and then keep feeding them interest to sustain their interest and enjoyment. End well too, with a punchline and closure of the key story tensions.
You can elaborate on the story to make it more interesting, but do be truthful when appropriate and always maintain your integrity.
Make the story relevant to the other person. Show how what happened to you is connected to them and their experiences.
Do swap stories, but beware of annoying the other person by playing one-upmanship, telling stories that show you to be superior and hence downplay the other person.
Example
You know that reminds me of the time I was arrested and imprisoned. It all started the night I was mugged and left dazed on the streets of New York...
My brother tried that too and, well, it was so funny, he thought he could ... ... and then she pushed him back in the pool, turned around and walked away without a word!
I heard a very sad story on the news last night about a couple who...
Discussion
Stories can be used to empathize, explain, entertain and teach other people in a way that is interesting and engaging. We live our lives as a story and may think of it this way. Stories are thus easy to interpret and from which meaning can be easily created -- often far more so than some abstract description.
Stories can be told as extended metaphors, using the content of the story as an allegory or representation of some other topic that is difficult to discuss, such as a romantic break-up or inappropriate behavior.
Stories also may take more or less time, depending on what you want to do. If you have a lot of time to kill, you can extend the story, whilst if you want to make a simple point, you can tell the bones of the story in a very short period.
Topical events: Talk about news and recent events.
Description
Talk about something topical.
Discuss recent news. Offer an opinion on what has happened in the world, the country or your town or city recently.
Talk about something that has been announced and is going to happen. Speculate about what that might be.
Ask the other person if they have heard the story in question (if not, tell it to them).
Talk about something that has happened to you recently. Tell it as a story.
Ask the other person what has happened to them of late. Probe the story they tell.
Example
Did you hear about the fire down town? It was right over the road from the fire station, but apparently they still took five minutes to get there...
I just heard that CEO is coming to the office next week. Last time he came he fired five people. Do you know why he would want to visit us?
My daughter passed all her exams -- I'm so relieved. She was really not working well last year...
Discussion
Recent news is often of particular interest to other people, for example because it has some personal impact or because the general subject area is of interest.
When people have heard about the same thing, this gives them something in common, and hence allows similarity to be used to develop trust.
When people have heard or seen different versions of the same story, this gives something to discuss further, perhaps exploring the differences between the stories.
Controversial subjects (such as sex, politics, religion or war) also give the potential for discussion of opinion--or even heated debate.
Topic list: Build yourself a bag of interesting topics.
Description
Develop your own list of things to talk about with other people.
Keep a notepad with you and listen to other people's conversations. Make notes about good topics of conversation. Make particular notes about the opening words.
Carry the list with you and take a secret peek at it when you feel you may be drying up or the conversation needs an extra boost.
Example
Christmas dinnerWhat would you like for ChristmasI was arrested last week (when I saw you from across the room)The coffee here is awful - have you tried Carluck's?The British monarchyCar racingDo you speak any foreign languages...
Discussion
These pages only give you a few ideas -- there are so many other things that you can talk about.
We often run out of things to say not because there is nothing to say but because we are paralyzed by the social situation and are perhaps afraid of saying the wrong thing.
In practice, how you say it is much more important than what you say. Note how some people seem to get away with quite controversial comments -- and how they do so with a pleasant tone and perhaps a wicked but friendly smile.
Notes and tips
Here are a few additional thoughts to keep in mind when you are sustaining a conversation.
Accepting criticism: Don't let it become an argument.
Description
When others criticize you in some way, show that you are taking them seriously.
Do not react badly to the criticism. Use this interaction to show that you are interested in them and their opinions. Show you can take it on the chin.
Listen intently. Ask for elaboration. Ask them for more criticism. Ask them to help you improve. Show you value their inputs.
Only respond more robustly if you are sure that the other person is attacking you (which often is not the case). In this case respond assertively, not aggressively.
Example
Hmm. I guess that wasn't too clear, was it. Thanks for pointing it out.
You're right Mike. I do tend to slur my words when I'm excited. I'll try be more careful. Could I ask you to let me know if I do it again?
Discussion
When we are criticized by others, it often feels like an attack on our selves, threatening our sense of identity and challenging our control. This can trigger a fight-or-flight reaction, where we either attack back or retreat in some way.
When you accept criticism and particularly when you ask them to help you improve, you are putting them into the position of a parent or close friend who you trust with your vulnerabilities. This encourages them to reciprocate and thus increase bonding.
If they are criticising aggressively their main goal may be just to rile you. But when you are not wound up by what they say and ask for more information, they will be unsure, thus giving you an advantage you would not get if you fought back normally.
Asking for elaboration will thus help distinguish those whose criticism is genuine (they will happily give you more information) and those who are using it as an attack (they will retreat or get angry). When you know their intent, you can then respond appropriately.
If you can accept and act on the constructive criticism of others you will very likely improve in all sorts of ways.
Balanced conversation: Give and take in good measure.
A balanced conversation is between two people who share the time and topics in roughly equal parts, enjoying the interplay with the other person.
This is the realm of the true conversationalist.
Take your turn
A good conversation is a balanced act of turn taking. This means that you should take your turn to speak as a natural right and also respect the other person's right to speak and be heard.
Limited content
Make your point within your turn, but do not over-do it. Rather than trying to say too much at once, constrain each turn that you have to a single topic or otherwise something that does not confuse or drown the other person in your words.
Limited duration
Do not hog the conversation. Say what you have to say then pass the baton back. People can only absorb so much at once and if you talk too much, they will remember less and less. If you say less, they will remember more.
Watch the other person when you are talking (people often do not do this as they drift off into their private world). Notice if they are really listening. If they are not, then wonder: why am I talking?
Offer back the baton
When you have had your say and made your point, offer them back the baton. Pause, to see if they are pick it up. If they do not, try asking them what they think or another question.
Listen and respond
When they are talking, if you listen you can respond.
Hear what they are saying
If you listen carefully, you can not only hear the words but also the real meaning that they are trying to convey (and maybe even something of who they are).
If you are not sure about something, ask for more information or test your understanding. This is usually appreciated as it shows interest in the other person.
Find the optimal point of interjection
When you feel you have received enough information and want to respond, look for a suitable point at which you can interject.
You can also signal your desire to speak, for example by leaning forwards or pursing your lips as if you are about to speak. Raising eyebrows also helps, as does moving your hands as if you are about to use them in support of speech.
Respond to their point
If they have made a point, rather than dive off into what you want to say, respond to what they have said, supporting or challenging it as appropriate.
At some time you may want to initiate a new topic. Do not break into this when the other person is in the middle of something important to them. Carefully close the current conversation before starting up a new subject for discussion.
Enthusiasm for the subject: Infect them with your passion.
Description
Show that you are interested in what they are talking about. If they are interested in sailing, express a passion for the sea. If they like horses, talk about going to the races. Use probing questions to find out more.
You can also be enthusiastic about something in which you are interested. Be animated. Tell interesting stories. Talk about the subject with passion.
Example
Oh wow! I didn't realize that was how it worked. Please do tell me more.
Discussion
Emotions are contagious, and few more so than enthusiasm. When people see how switched on you are by a subject, they will want to share in the positive emotions and join you in your interest. (Note that the reverse is true, and negative emotions will drag the other person down).
Enthusiasm is
A caveat here: It is very easy to get yourself into deep water if you pretend to know about a subject where they have significant expertise. If you start talking about football with great enthusiasm you may find them enthusiastically asking you questions about specific moves in last week's game.
Also remember that the most powerful way of keeping a conversation going is simply to ask
questions that the other person is interested in answering, and then doing a great deal of
listening.
continuation: conversation techniques- closing
from: Sustaining the conversation
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