CONVERSATION TECHNIQUES- Opening the Conversation

Opening the conversation

How do you open the persuasive conversation? The first few seconds are terribly critical and the following interaction contains many moments of truth. Here's a few pointers on how to open positively.

Ask them easy questions: Keep the tough stuff until later.

Description
Start out by asking them questions that are easy for them to answer.
A good balance is around two or three closed questions, that have short answers, and then one open question, where they have to think and talk more. Early on, it is often better even with open questions to keep them simple and easy.
When doing this, remember to sustain interest in them and what they have to say. Easy questions can lead to stock answers, but remember that the goal is to get the conversation going, not discover what the
Easy topics include:
The weather (especially in climates where it changes often).
Recent news (though be careful about difficult topics that may lead to emotional arousal).
Family (siblings, where they live, etc.)
History (what school they went to, where they hav lived, etc.)
Work (what they do, people at work, etc.)
Holidays
Hobbies and sports
Example
Isn't it a great day? Did you get out in the sunshine, today?
Did you hear about the accident down town? Isn't it awful?
Do you have a brother called Joe?
I do like your dress -- where did you get it?
Discussion
Questions are an easy way to open a conversation, especially if you are prepared. If the other person is uncomfortable (and they often are), then questions that are easy for them to answer is a good way to make them comfortable whilst engaging them (rather than having them listen too much to you).
Early on, do also remember to stay away from potentially contentious topics unless you deliberately want to create an impact. Criticizing the Pope, for example, is a not a good idea if you do not know whether the other person is a Catholic (even conservative non-Catholics may find such a move disturbing).


Ask them about themselves: A very powerful technique.

Description
Ask them something about themselves.
If you do not know their name, then start there.
Compliment them about their appearance. Ask them where the got that nice suit, watch, hat or whatever.
Comment on their cheery condition, ask them why they are looking a bit down. Say they look distracted and ask why.
Ask if they have family, the names of their children, how old they are, how they are doing in school and so on.
Ask about their occupation, their careers and plans for the future.
Ask about hobbies, interests and what they do with their spare time.
Pay attention when they give you an answer. Show interest not only in the answer but them as a person as well, possibly evoking a betrayal response.
And when they tell you something, show interest in it. Follow up with more questions.
Example
You look thoughtful. What's up?
What are you going to do this weekend?
That's a lovely jumper, where did you get it?
Discussion
The most interesting person in the world is me. I can talk about myself all day long if somebody asks me the right questions and seems to be really interested in what I have to say.
Note that the level of intimacy in the questions depends on the level of relationship. Be careful also with sensitive subjects. If you sense that they are uncomfortable with what you have asked, apologize as necessary and change the subject.
If you ask questions but do not follow up, then then they may conclude that you are not really listening and are false in your apparent interest.

Check your list: Be ready to ask and answer.

Description
Have a long list of things you can talk about. Keep it in your wallet and take a peek just before you get into a conversation.
You can keep a standard list that can be used in any situation.
You can have specialized lists, for example chatting up a member of the opposite sex or talking about technical topics with peers.
You can also have one-off lists, for example when you are going to meet somebody important to you, you can spend time beforehand listing things that you can discuss (or maybe that you want to discuss).
Keep building your list. Listen to other people in conversation (including people who talk to you) and add inspiring ideas to your list.
Example
A boy is going out with a girl for the first time. He elicits help from friends and his list includes the concert next week, her family and how to dance the salsa (which he has found she is learning). Just before he sees her, he takes a peek at the list to remind himself.
A sales person keeps a list of things to ask customers, including informal chat subjects and formal things to remember. She reviews the list in the car before going into talk with the customer.
Discussion
In the pressure that we often feel when starting a conversation it is easy to freeze or otherwise run out of things to say. A list provides an easy way of remembering things to say or discuss.
Just having the list close to you, in a purse or pocket, makes visualization and mental access of the list a little easier.
In a business situation it often looks efficient to have the list out in front of you, and tick off the subjects as you cover them. In a social situation, this would probably look at bit anal.


Use environmental triggers: Look for ideas around you.

Description
Look about: There are many things all around you that you can use to start a conversation.
If you are outside, you can talk about the weather, the temperature, architecture, plants, trees, nature, the stars, clouds, and so on.
If you are at a party or in a social situation, talk about the music, what others are wearing, who other people are, what they are doing, what to drink and so on.
You can use trigger from the other person, for example complimenting them on their hair, dress and general appearance. You can also take a cue from their mood, whether it is particularly happy, thoughtful, anxious and so on.
You can even talk about yourself, from apologizing for strange dress to saying something about how you feel.
Try to say something original, though a straightforward comment is better than nothing!
Example
I don't know if it is going to rain -- what do you think?
Look at that woman over there! I've never seen such a low-cut dress!!
That's Aquarius up there. What's your star sign? Perhaps I can find it in the heavens for you.
Discussion
When you are bereft of ideas about what to say, things around you can be an easy source of inspiration. They provide something for a frozen mind to latch onto and can thus be used to unfreeze and move into action.
Triggers are often used in creative methods to bounce to new and very different ideas. Thus you could see a tree as a weird hand reaching out of the ground like a horror movie and hence start a conversation about horror.


Get to the point: In some conversations, niceties are not nice.

Description
In some conversations, it is better to get quickly to the point rather than start with small-talk.
Situations where this may appropriate include:
In many business conversations.
When you have little time.
When the other person has little time.
When the other person has something that they particularly want to talk about.
When what you really want talk about will not take long.
When a quick question gets a quick answer and hence what you want.
All situations, however, are variable and this cannot be a definitive or complete list. When in doubt, add some brief niceties at the beginning and watch carefully to see whether the person looks impatient or interested in small-talk.
Example
A child interrupts it's mother just as the doorbell goes and whilst she is on the phone, asking permission to go out with friends. The mother quickly agrees.
A sales person, seeing a busy professional buyer, asks just enough business-focused questions to understand the buying context before getting to more serious sales talk.
Discussion
In many professional situations, it is not appropriate to spend much, if any, time on small-talk. For example if you are talking with a busy senior manager, asking them about their person lives beyond a basic courtesy may well be considered rude or lacking business focus (the same is true in many other situations.
Getting to the point straight away can also act as a kind of shock tactic, triggering a response which you are seeking, pushing the person into an unthinking answer.
A danger when getting to the point because you are in a hurry is that this may discomfort other person such that they do not engage with you and might even take revenge in some way.


Greeting: Get the formal start done well.

The first few seconds of any conversation, the 'hello' part, is extremely critical, especially if you have never spoken with the person before. Yet many people blunder through these moments as they charge towards their chosen destination.
The basic principle is to build the first steps of trust. In a few seconds?? Yes. The alternative is to lose it in a few seconds.
Look
Look them in the eye
When you talk with them, make eye contact, particularly during the greeting. Prolonged eye contact signals either aggression or sexual interest, so don't stare, but do give them a reasonable duration of friendly eye contact.
Smile
Make the eyes friendly. Smile and mean it. False smiles do not reach the eyes, so whatever you do, don't pretend.
It is difficult to control your eyes, so the best way is to control your feelings. If you genuinely are interested in the other person, then your eyes will convey this. As appropriate, do some self-talk before you begin to put yourself into the position of really caring. Tell yourself that this is a human, just like you and who deserves your respect whatever else you may think. Smile inside first, let it grow, then project it out with radiant warmth.
Project
Just with how you look at them, you send big messages. You can show and build confidence. You can project authority or other attributes. In fact you will always be projecting something -- the trick is to project that which you want them to receive.
Speak
Say their name
If you have been told their name, use it immediately. This both shows that you are paying attention to them and that you consider them important. If you do not know their name, discover it, then remember it.
Introduce yourself
If you don't already know them, a simple neutral introduction is to say your name and employer. 'Hello, Jack, I'm Richie Bennow from Jemson Construction.' Resist the temptation to immediately dive into product talk. All you will get are objections.
Greeting as promotion
Depending on your situation, you can use the words of the greeting to promote what you are selling or even yourself. When somebody asks you how you are, instead of answering 'fine, thank you', add something about what you want to say, such as 'I'm very well and looking forward to working with you today' or 'Mike, I'm good. I've just opened a new store and folks are flocking in'.
Act
Shake hands
...or whatever the local custom is. Handshakes can tell a lot about a character and can show aggression, assertion or passivity in the first moments of a greeting.
Generally, a firm handshake is best, but not a bonecrusher. Try to match the other person's pressure. If they go limp, don't squeeze hard. If you are a man, be particularly careful when shaking hands with a woman.
Kiss, bow or whatever
Greeting is a social ritual that varies greatly across cultures, both within a country and particularly across countries. In many Eastern countries, bowing is often important, including how low you bow and how often. In other countries hugging and kissing can range from mandatory to forbidden.
If in doubt, watch how others greet one another, though do be careful as a greeting between friends can be very different from a greeting between a senior manager and a lower subordinate.


Introduce yourself: Tell them a bit about you.

Description
A simple way of starting a conversation is to introduce yourself. This may seem simple, but it is also an opportunity to intrigue the other person and get the conversation going.
Simple topics include your name, occupation, family and hobbies. More adventurous topics include some of the things you have done which are brave, daft or interesting.
A powerful approach, particularly in sales, is to include a description of what you can do for the other person.
Be very careful about appearing too arrogant or otherwise putting the other person off, although in some settings boasting can be permitted or even desirable, particularly if you want to dominate the conversation.
Heaven forbid, but you can make up something strange about yourself. Say you are an Arctic explorer, a professional mud-wrestler, a reformed burglar or an assassin or something else outrageous. Play it cool. Particularly if you will never meet the person again, this can be harmless fun. If they challenge you, you can decide whether to bluff it out or admit you were having fun (and then talk about fun in general).
Use this as an opportunity to show that you are like the other person in some way. You can also do the opposite, showing that you are different.
Use this introduction to offer a straw, giving the other person something about which they can ask or reply, thus extending the conversation.
Remember not to tell too much about yourself at once. Do this in the exchange of a balanced conversation or such as a teaser to surprise them.
Example
Hello. I'm Jeff Barker, your union representative. I can help you with any employment issues you have.
Phew. I spent all last weekend looking for a new house.
Oh, I'm no good with computers. It's good to meet someone who knows what they are talking about.
Hey, man. I'm the leader of the Kookahs. Yuh hear me? The leader, man. An' don' we have fun.
Discussion
Talking about yourself can be used to show your status and superiority, thus taking control of the conversation. It can also be used to show that you are friendly and harmless. It helps you position yourself relative to the other person and also within their frames of reference.
By exposing a vulnerability, you are saying that you trust the other person not to attack that vulnerability and so establish a pattern of mutual trust. Doing it too much or too early may make you look like you are seeking sympathy or are conceding in supplication to prevent them harming you.


Say something wrong: So they can correct you.

Description
Say something that is incorrect and which the other person knows is wrong.
Ask them a question in which they will have to tell you that you are wrong.
Make this a simple factual error, so they can easily correct you.
Try to find a subject that will wind them up a bit, but not too much.
It often helps to indicate that you have been informed incorrectly, rather than believe what you are saying is a firm fact.
When the other person corrects you, thank them and be impressed by their knowledge (but do not over-do this). Alternatively, you can debate whether the item is true and perhaps let them persuade you.
Example
Led Zeppelin are a German band, I hear.
Now I've been told you are from Portsmouth, is that right?
I thought I'd wear blue today. (when you are actually wearing green)
Discussion
When I say things that are clearly wrong, it offers a simple corrective response to the other person. This casts the person in an expert role, which usually makes them feel good.
Thanking the other person for a correction also strokes their ego and positions yourself as an open person who can take criticism.
The conversation can then continue around the question of how you got your facts wrong or how they know the right answer.



Script the start: Write out the first few words beforehand.

Description
Write out a script that you will recite at the start of the conversation. Think carefully about what you will say and the effect it will have.
Learn it off by heart so you can say it without sounding like you are reading it out. Record yourself and listen to ensure it is natural. You can also practice with a friend, which can be a very effective way of getting it right.
Do not script the entire conversation, but do have a practiced words for important parts -- and the start is usually the most important bit.
When you are going to regularly face a number of situations, you can have a whole repertoire of scripts.
Example
A sales person practices her pitch in front of the mirror.
A boy who gets nervous with girls writes out a number of chat-up lines and learns to deliver them with wit and aplomb.
A person who is being given an award scripts the first part of the thank you and practices it with a friend.
Discussion
Although you do not need to script the start of every conversation, when you are likely to be nervous or when the conversation is particularly important, it is well worth the investment of thoughtful words and practical practice.
Typical situations where scripting is useful include:
Sales presentations to customers
Internal company presentations to important groups
When you are meeting someone special and want to make a great impression



Shock and awe: Surprise them with something different.

Description
Do or say something surprising or shocking. Create awe and wonder.
Amaze them with your bravado. Show them that you are not afraid of anything. Show that you do not care what others think of you.
Be anything but boring and normal.
Do match your tactics to the situation: your goal is to amaze, not to terrify. Smiling whilst you shock and awe can be a way of showing that you are not serious.
Example
You know, I've just come out of prison. Five years for fraud is just too much, don't you think? Well they didn't find all the money so I should be ok.
Have you ever tried fighting a crocodile? It's not easy, I can tell you.
(shouting) Good heavens! You are the most beautiful person I have seen!!
Discussion
Displays of prowess are common across the animal kingdom, including humans. One way you can do this is with what you say, as well as how you look.
Surprise happens when you break expectations. This can make you interesting. It can also lead to fascinating conversations.
'Shock and awe' is a name used for a military tactic where a display of overpowering might is used to encourage the enemy into submission. You do not want to create fear with your display, but you do want to impress.


Wit and wisdom: Amaze them with your wit.


Description
Open the conversation with some witty or cogent remark that is designed to amaze, annoy or otherwise trigger an interesting discussion.
You can use ironic, cynical, dry, ascerbic or any other style. The success of any method is in the effect that it has.
You can add 'Don't you think' or some other provocation to respond after such a remark.
Example
I wonder how people have time to come to these things. Anyone here must be a complete layabout, wouldn't you say?
My dog wanted to come tonight, but he didn't have a suitable tie.
If I were you, I would be careful about being seen with someone like me.
Discussion
Displaying wit signals that you are interested in something outside of normal mundane conversation.
Wit must be played very carefully, as it can easily annoy some people. But if you do not mind winding up a few people, then even this can lead to interesting conversation.
Oscar Wilde was a famous wit who would open a conversation with an often controversial, but very quotable comment, such as:
It is very sad to see that nowadays there is so little useless information around.
America was discovered before Columbus, but it was hushed up.
Women can discover everything, except the obvious.
The only thing worse in the world than being talked about is not being talked about.
The husbands of very beautiful women often belong to the criminal classes.
A man can be happy with any woman, so long as he does not love her.
You can either use quotes like these directly, or use the quotation, for example saying 'Oscar Wilde said...what do you think'.

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